Tell me your stories

At work we've been talking about making memories special at this time of year. Though not everyone celebrates Christmas, it certainly is a focus on the calendar - even if it's just for increased sales of chocolate and sherry.

My colleague suggested ways of making memories that will last a lifetime, especially given that we work with families where a parent has a terminal cancer. But even when I worked at a dementia charity, making memories - even those that could not be retained due to dementia - was always important.

We had a piano like this in our dining room

The other day someone said 'I don't remember what present I got when I was five, but I do remember ...' and then recounted family experiences. It's true, the 'things' we get at Christmas or birthday or any other celebration are transient, but memories, experiences, they can make lasting impressions even if you don't remember the detail.

I'll share one from my childhood: We had an upright piano in our home and my grandmother played the piano at Christmas. I remember us around the piano and Granny (who died when I was about 10) playing the piano with gusto, dad on his trumpet (I still have it), Charles (granny's partner) on wooden spoon and cardboard box, and mum, my brother and I singing. I have no idea what we sang - whether it was Christmas songs or jazz, but that memory which is more than 50 years old, remains. 

My father died in January 1974 when I was 13. My grandmother and grandfather both passed around Christmas time too, so for many years I associated Christmas time with grief. It took having children of my own to change that. But it took time.

What does Christmas mean to you? What does this time of year, whether it is a religious celebration or simply extra time off work, bring to you and your family? I would love to hear your stories. Please add i comments below.

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Resources:

• Coping with grief at Christmas (Cruse)
• How to make happy memories
• Alzheimer's Society

Credits:

Piano photo courtesy of: https://antiquepianoshop.com/ 

A sense of justice

If you know me personally, you will probably be aware that I have a strong sense of justice, I am trusting and I believe in the better nature of people. I know I am often disappointed, but I'd rather trust and be let down than spend my life distrusting and being suspicious of everyone. I think it's mentally healthier, even though it means some challenging outcomes at times.

It is good though when, for once, your sense of justice is reinforced by the justice system itself. For a little context, in 2021 I was waiting for the car in front of me to turn right when the road was clear. I had my brakes on, it was a long, clear road. Bam! Boy racer rear-end shunts my car at speed. He's apologetic and actually quite concerned as I was very shocked by the experience at the time.

Picture from the talented Andrew Garrison

Clearly he had been on his phone or just daydreaming (the former most likely). Insurance details swapped, Sheena turns up to support me, his dad appears to get very cross with him. After all he's 18 and just totalled a very nice Corsa. And sent our beloved Beamer to the scrap yard too. Obviously his fault. We took photos of the cars. But... I didn't take pictures of the road, the exact location of the collision and didn't get any witnesses (though some kind folks did stop to enquire how I was). 

The insurance took ages - but we got a decent enough reimbursement on the Beamer - not enough to replace like for like, but we got an old Merc instead. Insurance spent ages settling. And then... we are told it's going to court! 

Boy racer's story is that I pulled out of the junction and stalled in front of him. What?!!! The boy had concocted a lie to reduce blame. And I'm pretty sure it was his dad pushing him, because his dad was very fixated on what impact it would have on the lad's insurance. And I must admit, at 18, it would no doubt be very expensive for him to be insured after an accident like that.

However, his story was a blatant lie. And his insurance company decided to challenge it in court (having listened to and no doubt believed his version of events).  Cut to June 2023 - court case planned. He says he can't attend. Court date coincidentally cancelled. Jump to October 2023, and the case is eventually heard.

We had a lovely chap for our barrister - can't have been far off retirement, very laid back. Their barrister was younger, and meaner! When I was on the witness stand he repeatedly said 'I suggest that you ...' and then recited guff about where my car was and what I was doing. He tried very hard to undermine me and I repeated my position and rebuffed his 'suggestions' (for 'suggestions', read lies) very firmly. He did annoy me - I'm sorry but my sense of justice (or injustice) was surely riled. 

I was travelling from Beccles to home, and it's a straight road. There was no reason for me to be coming out of the side turn. And, thankfully, I had a petrol receipt showing that I had been in Beccles just 20 minutes before the accident.

The judge listened carefully, and when boy racer got on the stand, he turned out to be a pretty good liar. But his story had a few holes in it (like, if he was going 40 mph on a clear road and I came out and stalled in front of him, why did he not take any evasive action?). There was detailed evidence from me, and not so detailed from him - the key difference being mine was true, his was a fabrication. 

In the opposition's summing up, tough barrister said I was 'combative' and that my memory wasn't good (one detail is all I could not recall exactly, whether I was in netural or in gear). Our barrister did a summing up that challenged some of the other side's assertations, but was done in a gentle, rather ineffective way.

Thank goodness for evidence!

The judge summed up the whole proceedings (after a 20 minute recess) and I was hugely impressed! Her summary of the evidence, her referral to my being combative as being emphatic, and examining all the evidence deciding that my story was the more likely, meant that we won the case.

Hurrah! Truth won, justice was done. She didn't refer to the other side as 'liars', merely as remembering the incident differently. I guess that saved her having to start a contempt of court case as well. 

It was not easy, it was not nice. But we bloody won!

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When I woke up

We identify as Happy

I’ve written a lot in my blog about different things like cancer, work, travel and music. For a change I am going to talk about who I am, not just what I’ve done. I am in my sixties, and I have two children, two grandchildren (and three step grand-children) and two years ago I married my wife. How I got here is a long story, but in summary, as a child I played with Action Man (not Barbie), I loved to dress up as a pirate (not a princess), and I did meet and marry a man, but he hated my love of hats (not pretty girly ones) – amongst other things. When I had a strange urge to buy a female friend flowers, or had an erotic dream that included women, and then had a crush on another female friend, none of these things indicated to me I might be bisexual. Yeah – slow on the uptake! 

 So now I identify as lesbian. Because all options are open, of course, but I am not intending to veer from this course now I have found it. I was very loath to talk about being gay when I first realised it in my early fifties, but I embrace it now and openly refer to my wife rather than partner in conversation. Let others’ conscious or unconscious bias do as it will, I am happy and confident with who I am – more so now than I have ever been. I guess I was always a lesbian!

 When I say I ‘identify’ – that may set some hackles rising. Why do we need to ‘identify’? Very simple answer - because society wants to put a label on it. We can’t just ‘be’ – we must fit into a slot or a place in others’ perceptions of spectrum, so we label everything from sexuality to neurological ability. I have a stoma, but I don’t want to identify as an ‘ostomate’. I have had cancer, but I don’t want to identify as ‘survivor’. I have friends with life limiting conditions, but they don’t want to identify as ‘disabled’ – that’s not who we are, it’s just part of our lives. But there are some places you do need to identify, even if it’s just so you can use the right toilet (and yes, I do get looks sometimes when I used the one with the picture of a wheelchair on the door). 

 You may consider me ‘woke’ because I am a gay woman, a charity worker, because I support refugees and challenge behaviours like racism and sexism, and that’s fine with me. If you call me ‘woke’, I will take it as a compliment.

We didn't catch covid

Holiday blog post time! But not all the pictures of scenery and lovely meals (though Corfu has in abundance), but more a reflection on the visit to this amazing island, which is part of Greece, and has just had a change in government.

We arrived (late due to a problem with 'airspace over Slovakia') and the promised rain was nowhere to be seen. The airport was busy and travellers were hot and impatient. Driving to our hotel complex, I was minded that Lord's - where we were staying - was quite different to the Lord's - where I sometimes work.

The first thing I noticed on the drive is that everything was lush and green. The bottlebrush trees were in full colour, the angel's trumpets were huge, and the bouganvilla was in abundance. There were morning glory growing like weeds and the large totem pole cypruss broke up the mountainside horizons like exclamation marks.

We arrived on the Monday, the day after the weekend election on Greece. Having had a left wing government for some time, and the economy becoming more stable (I read), there was a lack of 'trickle down to the people. The electrion result was a Centre Right party, I think, but they have to have another election in June. I have no idea if that's good for Greece,  I'm not goiing to comment on politics where I know so little. But I made observations.

The dustbins - large dumpsters - are placed along roads all over the countryside. Without exception they were overflowing and rubbish was blowing around into the local area - rural and town. Being a hot country there was, of course, a smell, but maybe they did emtpy them often, they just filled up quick. In

two weeks we saw one dust truck going into a private holiday complex (ignoring the huge pile of garbage outside the nearby monastery). In Corfu they have very small sewage pipes, so all paper used in toilets is binned, not flushed. In our accommodation they emptied the bins almost daily, so odour was never an issue.

I had only ever been to Greece twice before (Rhodes and Athens) and both times for work, so my tourist experience of the country and its islands was non-existent. The people of Corfu were very friendly and accommodating, many (everyone we spoke to) could speak English and probably German too. Prices were reasonable (we could eat out well for £10 a head easily), and the rental of our bike and quad was very affordable. Petrol, too, was cheaper at first, though when we got back to GB, it looked like prices had fallen.

When we drove up into the mountains and through the smaller villages, there were still women all wearing black, and there were still cars that looked like they should be scrapped driving around with bits hanging off them. There were tourists on quad bikes and 'twist and go' (like the bike above), and the smartest cars (even the one we saw upside down with an ambulance next to it) were usually hire cars.

The main roads were good (very wiggly due to the landscape), but the side roads were full of potholes. The mountain roads varied - from smooth tarmac to concrete corners and then potholed single track - and all on the same route.

The views from the mountains were amazing. We stopped at one taverna and chatted with the owner whose family had lived in the area for generations.  He told us how the Kaiser built on the next peak, but they all laughed as the water was on his peak. And he told how his grandfather taught him how to find water, so that's why he built his taverna where it was. He had olive groves and served us his own oil, he had vinyards and served us his own wine. He was old, gnarly, and friendly. He didn't like the government (which I wasn't sure) and we had similar opinions of the lack of politicans' understanding of the everyday life of people.

The beaches were clean, and even when the one night of storms brought in all the seaweed, it didn't impede our delight in laying on the hot sand and swimming in the shallow, clear sea. The jellyfish arrived in the second week, but we managed to avoid them.

I had no problems travelling or swimming with my stoma, which for other ostomates may be reassuring. I didn't even get heat rash around the seal, thankfully.  We flew there and back on an Irish airline and I really don't like them. The staff are fine, but you have to pay even to fart, it seems. Thank goodness they didn't charge me extra for having a stoma!

Two weeks is a long holiday for me. The only other time I've been away than long was to Australia in 2018. It was a lovely two weeks. We both relaxed, enjoyed the island and enjoyed eachother's company and reading (audio) some great books.

And, we didn't catch covid.

Useful links:

• Discover Greece - Corfu
• Greece - caretaker leader
• Lord's Complex, Agios Giorgios

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From May to June

.

May is nearly over, and I haven't blogged in a while. It doesn't mean nothing is happening, it means I've been busy. Busy playing with Hannah and Sheena at the local beer festival (at the Rumburgh Buck), busy working and preparing for our biggest event of the year (#RedforRuth), and busy gardening!

Of all the busy things I do, gardening is the most calming. I have a lovely  polytunnel set up in my little veg area, and my greenhouse is full of young plants. I've claimed another bit of garden for another veg bed, and have had to put bamboo canes up to deter the plant nibbling peacock who visits regularly.

Percy peacock

Sheena loves cabbages so I am growing them in the polytunnel and in the veg bed under netting. We have so many beautiful butterflies (including white admiral whose caterpillars feed on the wild honeysuckle) and many of them rather fancy my brassicas! (And the older geration might just be saying 'Ooooh matron!' to themselves).

Watering is a very relaxing activity, as is deadheading. Weeding, not so much, but still necessary. We have one weed in our garden that just appeared this year in the lawn. The good folk of the Gardeners Question Time Facebook page assure me it is 'miner's lettuce' - an edible plant. But I won't be putting it on my salad - not with three dogs in the garden. I may try growing some elsewhere just for tasting purposes though.

My next big gardening project is reclaiming the borders at the dog training centre and putting in some plants that will thrive (given that dogs are everywhere, the border is in heavy shade, and it's not regularly watered). 

Meanwhile, I will continue gardening and feeding the birds. We have a cuckoo nearby, regularly hear the nightingale, and have blackcap, wrens and robins. The feeder is visited by greater spotted woodpecker, marsh, great, long and blue tits, goldfinch and chaffinch. And under the feeder - a couple of stock doves, wood pigeons, dunnock and Percy. 

I'm hoping we have lots of fresh produce from my efforts this, year. I will no doubt post pictures of cabbages and tomatoes in due course.

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Growing around grief

Working in the charity sector over the years I have met so many amazing people, from the relatives of loved ones with Alzheimer’s, to survivors of serious accidents - and the families of those who did not survive.  

Dealing with grief at work is very different to dealing with it in your personal life – and I mean both for the bereaved, and for the professional.  In the charity sector, gifts ‘in memory’ of a loved one are hugely important; they allow the bereaved to celebrate a life passed, and also to support a cause close to their heart in that process. It could be anything from Air ambulances to Zoos – there’s usually a relevance to the deceased.

Supporting a charity gives the family the opportunity to share their memories, thoughts and wishes, often through dedicated ‘in memory’ pages on a website. This little bit of immortality can mean a lot to a family and help them process their grief.

Many years ago I learned about Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s Stages of Grief, and later on researched more about her and her extraordinary perspective on life after death.  Her ‘model’ of grief is well known and very logical, but there are other models, such as Tonkin’s ‘growing around’ grief – grief does not really diminish over time, we just grow around it.  There are other models, and Freud had plenty to say on grief too, but models aside, grief is hugely personal.

I lost my father when I was 13 years old. I was very young; I think you could probably equate it to 10 or 11, given the maturity of young people today. My brother’s reaction was to protect me, initially, and then – as my mother disappeared into her grief – to leave home. My reaction? I can’t accurately recall, but I think depression was certainly a big part of it.

Although my father died more than 50 years ago, I still grieve. On the train home from London the other day, I talked to him – told him all about my day (silently, I didn’t need extra space on the train). I clearly saw him in my mind’s eye, sitting in the empty seat opposite me, and he reacted (in my imagination) how I remembered he would have done. 

I didn’t go to my father’s funeral – to the church or the burial. Maybe it would have helped me to have gone, I don’t know, but now at any funeral (even someone I don't really know) I am a useless emotional heap. That may be a legacy of unresolved grief, but it’s often embarrassing. Yes, I have grown around my grief – I don’t wear it daily, but it is easy for me to slip into sadness when I think of all the years I never had with my father, how he never knew me as an adult, or heard me sing (though he may well have hated my music choices), or met his grandchildren. But then again, I never saw him grow old, either.

Today someone said to me that grief is ‘love with nowhere to go’. I found that very moving, but also hope that as we grow around grief, our love is not lost, but finds new avenues, and stays true for those we have loved and lost.

Useful links:

• Cruse Bereavement Support
• Ruth Strauss Foundation - pre-bereavement support for when a family member has a terminal illness
• Winston's Wish - post-bereavement support for children
• MuchLoved - an online in memory site 

Related blog posts

• 62 not out
• Just a year older
• Don't defer diagnosis
• From heartening to heartbreak

62 - not out

My father loved cricket, he played for Sudbury (who knows why as we lived in Barnet) and listened to matches avidly (and probably watched them when we did get a television). I remember names like Fred Trueman and Basil D'oliviera and seeing my father in his whites. I also enjoyed the 'Botham years'. Now this was a long time ago, and though I've only been to one cricket match since my father played, it's a game that sits comfortably in my memories. 

So this January, having finished my role at MDUK in December, I had time to 'rest'. But, in fact, ended up doing plenty including having my kidney stone blasted and the evil stent finally removed. A good time to have my surgery and take a bit of a rest as my new job started on 1st February. 

 New job - new things to learn. I have joined a charity in another area that is new to me - and once again I am moved and inspired by the work they do. It's another maternity cover role which I hugely enjoy, I can lend my experience and knowledge and support the charity whilst their Head of Fundraising is on leave. I'm also really glad that we will work together for a couple of months before she goes on leave so that we can develop the plans for the year ahead together.

But here's why I talked about cricket in this post. The charity is the Ruth Strauss Foundation - and though I didn't know much about the charity beforehand, I had actually heard of Sir Andrew Strauss, the England cricketer. His wife Ruth passed from a non-smoking related lung cancer, leaving two young children. But before she died, she and Andrew planned and launched the charity, the Foundation, to provide support for families where a parent has a terminal diagnosis, and to fund more research into a cancer that is increasing in prevalence.

 I've been reading the research and 'mission' information about the charity and didn't realise that so many children lose a parent each year, nor that non-smoking related lung cancer is the eighth most common cause of cancer-related death. Although smoking is still a huge cause of lung cancer, I wonder about vaping (we have no idea what impact that will have as it's such a 'new' habit) and, of course, our deterioration in air quality as we continue to pollute the planet.

So this charity speaks to me as a parent, a grandparent, someone who has had cancer and as a conservationist. 

I will blog more as I learn more (it's only day three!), but in the meantime, on my very first day I was cheeky enough to ask for a selfie from the man himself, who just happened to pop into the ECB and made a special visit to see the team who were there that day.

Useful links

• Support for families facing bereavement (Ruth Strauss Foundation)
• Losing a parent (Cruse)
• Non-smoking lung cancers (Ruth Strauss Foundation)
• Non-smoking lung cancers (CDC USA)

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Family archives

I have some interesting documents from various family connections - such as an acceptance of US Citizenship for Edward Keller (dated 1876) and a rather unpleasant letter about my grandmother's divorce from Leslie Hemsworth (who it seemed also ended up in the USA). I have materials from my step-grandmother too, and of course the full Sheppard Family Histories (but they are staying safe with me and will remain with my family).

The Keller family were my grandmother's second husband's, but he was alienated from his family (previous wife/children) so I have no idea what happened to them or whether they would even be interested in these old documents.

I have looked up to see if there are any groups researching Family History for these families, but unless I wanted to sign up and pay for a service I don't need, there doesn't seem to be an easy way to share these interesting snippets of history. This photo, for example, is 'Cousin Peter Ricu' dated 1804. Who was he? In smart military uniform, isn't he.

I don't want to destroy these old documents, but then again, what do I do with them? I can keep them until I shuffle off, but then someone else will just throw them away.

If you have any ideas about what to do with these documents I'd appreciate it (add in comments). I don't want to throw away those intriguing insights into social history.

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(Sorry the wrap around the photos wasn't working today!)

Still learning

At the end of 2021 I took a maternity cover contract at Muscular Dystrophy UK (MDUK), as Head of Individual Giving. When I joined, I knew nothing about muscular dystrophy.

Muscular dystrophy (MD), for starters, is around 60 different conditions, all of them muscle-wasting – that means the muscles deteriorate over time. To quote the NHS:

“In most cases, muscular dystrophy runs in families. It usually develops after inheriting a faulty gene from one or both parents. MD is caused by mutations (alterations) in the genes responsible for healthy muscle structure and function.”

Some conditions, like Duchenne, are life-limiting. The heart is a muscle too.

Although categorised as a ‘rare disease’, muscular dystrophy affects around 110,000 people in the UK – which by the time you include their families, friends, and support networks, impacts thousands more. I do have a friend with a muscular dystrophy, I just never realised that’s what it was.

Several things will stay with me from my year with MDUK– one of which is the fact that you can prevent a disease. “Spinal muscular atrophy (SMA) is a group of hereditary diseases that progressively destroys motor neurons.” However, new-born screening can identify whether the baby has the variant gene and gene therapy can be applied early on (way before any physical indications of the condition). With gene therapy, the child can grow up without the life-limiting disease. That to me is mind blowing!

The second is that when a new, disease modifying drug is identified, even after positive clinical trials, it may not be adopted by NICE. MDUK (and many other health-related charities) work hard to ensure access to treatments for those they benefit – and it’s not always a clear-cut case.  I know of two examples of children who have had access to treatment (that isn’t necessarily going to be there in future for others) that has dramatically improved their quality of life. One example is Translarna. I’ll be watching the MDUK website in January to see if NICE have agreed to make it accessible to children newly diagnosed with Duchenne.

The third is the fantastic Changing Places project. I had no idea such toilets existed and the difference they make for families, individuals and carers who just want a simple day out or even just a trip to the supermarket. Now I notice them when I see them, and smile. 

One thing I learned was about myself - and that even though I try very hard to be woke (yeah, it can be an ambition!), I can be guilty of micro-aggressions. I wrote a separate post about this.

I spent the year with amazing colleagues, some with a muscle wasting condition, some with family members with a condition.  And I had the privilege of meeting the people who support, and are supported by, the charity. I learned so much more by just speaking or working with people who have a muscular dystrophy.

Goodbye MDUK, and all the best for 2023 and on. 

Now, on for the next adventure and set of learnings. I do love the third sector, it is always going to surprise, engage and teach me new things.

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Useful links

• Muscular Dystrophy UK
• Duchenne UK
• Changing Places
• SMA Newborn Baby Screening Alliance

Fundraising strategies

I have been working in fundraising a long time, and I know how to develop strategies, and how to deliver them. But when I talk to others, I often focus too much on the delivery and not enough on the development. So I decided to articulate my thoughts in a blog post. As Simon Sinek says, 'Start with the Why'

Firstly, why am I doing this post? Because I know that sharing my strategic knowledge and expertise helps others in the sector, and - in the long run - it will help me. Articulating what I do instinctively is not always easy in an interview situation, for example. 

Simplified example 'synergy' model (C) CT-S

One of the things I have noticed with strategy development in some charities is that there can be a 'missing link' between operational delivery and fundraising strategy. By that, I mean that the financial need hasn't been linked closely to the beneficial outcome. That sounds crazy, but sometimes a fundraising target is set as a percentage increase, rather than articulated as "£x would enable us to deliver...". 

There is nothing more motivational to fundraisers, and indeed donors, than the impact of the charity's work. 

I start with the ‘Why’. This enables me to identify the case for support before I even begin looking at the strategy. Once you have the Why clearly articulated, strategy development can begin. 

My first action is then an audit: what has already been done, how has it performed, what is happening in the sector? This gives context to the plans that will evolve from creating clear objectives (the What, defined by the Why) and provide insight into which tactics ('How') you will consider putting into the plan to deliver your objectives.

Objectives can be SMART (and they can be stretch goals - 'wouldn't it be amazing if...'), but they also need to be agile . In these challenging times when we just don't know what will happen (pandemics, war, economic crises), having objectives that can be flexed is an advantage. Mixing your strategic approaches (see illustration) is also a wise move in uncertain times. 

Strategic approaches, from a presentation by
Cameron Cummings of JAA Media

Before you get to your 'How' (tactics you will use to deliver your objectives), getting internal buy-in and the collaboration - or even just understanding - of peers within the charity is also vital in ensuring success. This is the internal 'Who', though you will also use Who to look at audiences.

If your senior management team understands your strategy and how it will impact their teams (whether fundraising or not), then you are more likely to achieve the outcomes you intend. It will also help as you plan the resources you need to deliver, as it is likely that you will need support from others that you do not directly line manage. 

Make sure your tactics have a budget and a schedule ('When'). And 'When' can mean  a longer-term ROI or lifetime value, as well as a short-term income target. 

I developed the fundraising strategy template I use from the Chartered Institute of Fundraising's Diploma training, but I have adapted it considerably according to cause and income stream. There's some resources below, but do talk to your peers in other charities too.

Resources

• Chartered Institute of Fundraising - Strategy for small charities
• Developing a Fundraising Strategy - CAF
• Developing your fundraising strategy - DSC
• How to develop a killer fundraising strategy - Goodbox
• Wouldn't it be amazing if... check out Rob Woods, Brightspot Fundraising
• RAW London - planning and strategy in charity campaigns (includes presentation by Cameron, from JAA)
• JAA Media
• Hospice strategy resources from Brightspot Fundraising 

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Trust in charities

In today's climate, the need for charities and their support is greater than ever. Food banks, money advice, even dog rescue, are busier than ever. But how do you know which charity to trust? There's often media stories that will overblow an issue, and there are also issues that go unnoticed. Here's my personal take on why we can trust charities, and how to make sure your gift counts. 

Scams

Many people want to bypass the charity and donate direct to beneficiaries, but this can be challenging and also an opportunity for fraud. Some of the typical scams you will find are social media posts that feature a person (usually a child) or animal in need of a wish come true holiday/urgent treatment etc, with an appealing picture and a link to a crowdfunding site. Even for a genuine appeal, some scammers will clone the story/site and set something up that is so similar you wouldn't realise you weren't supporting the cause you thought you were.

Another scam is around door to door collection bags (see the Sunday Post example). Many charities use collection bags to get stock for their shops or to sell on and make an income this way, but some bags may look like they come from a charity (and even add that they support a charity), but may in fact be a commercial company or even a scam.  

Donating safely

Here's a couple of things you can do to check before donating to a charity or supporting a cause you've seen advertised in another way:

Collection bags and charity shops

• Make sure there is a registered charity no. on the collection bag 

• 

  Photo from Sunday Post

  Make sure it matches the number on the charity's website
• Check on the charity's website that they do door to door collections
• If there's something that looks dodgy, then phone the charity
• If you can, take your donated goods directly in to a local charity shop - as well as ensuring your goods reach the right destination, if you pay tax the charity could claim Gift Aid on the goods you donate, making your donation go further.

Donating to a charity

If you know the charity personally, like a hospice or another local service, then this is great. It's easy to find out more because you will know someone who knows them well. But if you are not 'in the know', then you may want to find out more:

• Look on the Charity Commission website, using their search function. You should be able to find the charity easily enough. You can filter your searches by area or, if you know it, by using the charity's registered charity number (which must be displayed on their website)
• Type in your charity name or cause area (eg 'Pig Rescue' or 'Animal Rescue, Norfolk' for example) and a list of relevant charities will appear. With the first list that appears you can immediately see if a charity is late submitting its accounts which could mean you should look into them a little further
• You can look at the charity's accounts which will tell you a lot more - don't worry if you can't 'read accounts', they usually have good explanations of their expenditure and impact
• Search the web for any stories about the charity to make sure there are no current negative reports that should concern you. 

Telephone calling

If you receive a phone call from a charity asking for a donation, it must be a charity you already support - cold calling is not allowed in the UK. And if you don't want to be phoned, they have to respect your choice - just make sure they know your preferences (see below for some resources on how to stop mailings and calls). 

Street and door to door fundraising

(C) Dogs Trust

This is a legitimate and highly successful form of fundraising, because it allows in depth conversation about the charity. But there are some scammers out there - so firstly check their ID badge. Does it look right? Does it have the current charity logo? Does it have the name and photo of the person holding it? Never invite a fundraiser into your home. If you need to go and get a bank card, etc, then close the door, they won't think you are being rude. You can also give the charity a quick phone too (using a searched number, not one they give you). Many charities (see the Dogs Trust example) will also have pages on their website showing you photos of the canvassers, and will always verify if they are in your area or not.

Most door to door and street fundraisers WILL NOT ask for cash (and may lose their jobs if they take it), so if they do, close the door/move on. You can always phone the charity to check, and make a donation then if you feel moved to do so; but let them know you met one of their fundraisers.

Donating directly

If you want to give a homeless person cash in the street, then that is your choice. If you want that homeless person to eat, then buy them a sandwich. If you want a homeless person to have the option of going into a night shelter, then donate to the night shelter. 

If you see a social media post that really touches your heart - be very diligent in checking it out; don't just click and donate. If the post directs you to a JustGiving or Crowdfunder type page, firstly enter those sites separately and search for the cause independently. Secondly, search the cause catch phrase (eg 'Little Jonah needs a new heart') in your favourite search engine, with the word 'scam'. 

Donating directly may feel like it's bypassing the 'overheads' of a charity, but charities are set up for good reason - because they are often the best way of delivering the service or benefit that you want to give to the cause you care about. I used the homeless example above - it's easy to donate directly to an individual in front of you, but how would you pay the staff in the homeless shelter who feed the guests? How would you go about funding something complex like medical research that needs scientific peer reviews?  Charities are there to tackle some of the most challenging problems in our society and on the planet - they have huge responsibility and a huge impact. 

If you are in doubt about any solicitation from a charity, then don't hesitate to look them up and phone them - they won't mind. Double check their website (and find it by a search, not using any links in an email) and give them a call.

You can trust charities

This might seem like a scaremongering post, but it isn't. I want to increase trust in charities and make sure that your good will gets to do the absolute best it can for a cause you care about. Fundraising is regulated - but like any sector, it can be abused. Take care, and please keep giving.

Useful resources

• Pakistan disaster - fake charity warning (updated 2 Sept 2022)
• The Charity Commission Register
• The Fundraising Regulator 
• More scams - Action Fraud advice
• Charities can get scammed too
• Friends against scams
• Civil Society - includes reports on charities being investigated 

Your preferences

As well as contacting the charity directly, you can contact the following services to change how you are contacted by charities and commercial organisations too:

• The Fundraising Preference Service
• The Mail Preference Service
• The Telephone Preference Service

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Don't defer diagnosis

Have you put off going to the doctor because you are worried about the diagnosis or think you shouldn't bother others?   I have.  Have you ever said any of the following? I'd be surprised if you haven't:

"I'll leave it for now", "I'm sure it'll get better in time", "I'll get round to eventually", "yeah, but I have to... first". 

Here's a quick list I'd like you to read and consider carefully. Put aside your 'yeah but...' and put yourself first. 

1.    You are not 'wasting' the doctor's time with a symptom. However minor it might seem, if it is a marker for disease (eg blood in your urine or faeces, unusual persistent pain or anything else which you know is just not right for you), then tell your doctor and get an appointment. Insist if you have to.

2.    Attend all your scans and tests, no matter how uncomfortable or unpleasant. A scan or smear etc can detect something that you can't see or feel. You are not wasting time by attending these appointments, in fact you could be saving more than just time.

3.    Get on with it. It's very simple - the earlier something is diagnosed and can be treated, the more chance you have of living a longer, healthier life. And remember, early diagnosis may also mean you can sigh with relief that whatever has been bugging you is, in fact, something easily treatable.

4.    Have a regular 'feel'. A small lump could be something as simple as a cyst, and if it's anything else, the sooner it is attended to, the better.  You know which bits of you to check, I'm just reminding you to do it regularly.

5.    Getting a diagnosis can be scary, but it's also vitally important as early diagnosis has such an impact on the outcomes. 

6.    The shock of diagnosis (for you or a family member) can be huge. This is perhaps the hardest to get your head around, but is very important: take control - work with your clinicians, friends and family, with support groups and charities. Diagnosis is often a 'first step' in your journey, and everyone takes a different path. Your preferences and wishes should be listened to by all involved in your care. 

7.    Treatment can be challenging, but it may mean the difference between all your friends and family being there for your next birthday, or for your funeral. Treatments for different conditions are highly personalised these days so someone else's experience may not be a good compass for your journey. 

8.    It's OK to ask stupid questions. And it's OK to ask them more than once.

9.    You are not alone. You never know who else may understand what you are going through -  share (in the right way, with the right people, in a way that suits you). You will be amazed who comes out to support you.

I was prompted to write today not only because of my own experience, but because I read about a family who has had their child diagnosed with a life limiting condition. The diagnosis (which they did not delay) has shattered the family and they were frozen with fear. Nobody wants a diagnosis that casts such a shadow over their lives, it's out of human control, it's almost mind-bendingly difficult to assimilate. But others stepped in to seek help. In reaching out, their journey is no longer quite so desolate - there will now be someone there with them, with a lamp to help light the difficult path ahead.   

Useful links

• How do I check for cancer?

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Photo courtesy of https://greatpeopleinside.com/dealing-with-procrastination/ 

Author's note: after my first draft of this post, I went through and took out all the 'don't' statements. It's too easy to list what not to do - I hope turning it into what we 'can' do reads better.

Goosemilk and goatfeathers

 “Hail!” The King looked bored by the formal salutation the slave yelled loudly, as if to give it more gravitas than his voice could naturally command.  But said in that ridiculous Southern accent, the King couldn’t help but smirk behind his hand.

“What news from the valleys, slave?” He knew full well the man’s name was Garrad, but it was part of his policy of remaining aloof to know the names of, but not to acknowledge, the more strategically useful of his inferiors.

“Oh mighty King, ruler of the four lands, giver of hope and...” the King peered at Garrad and leaned forward in his throne rather menacingly.

“Just tell me the news, slave.”

Verging on panic, Garrad cleared his throat and stood up as straight as he could.  His beautiful bronze skin shone like a tiger’s pelt in the streaks of sun that dived through the long gaps in the stone that served for windows. 

“There is trouble in the South, oh great one.”  A harrumph from the King prompted Garrad to continue rapidly.

“There has been a plague of dust that has coated the corn, and the crops wither.”  The King’s brows furrowed, his pale cheeks beginning to redden with anger.

“Oh my King, we have done all we can, we have prayed to you for rain to wash away the dust, but in the South we... we did not expect the ...” the King shifted in his seat and leaned even further forward. Seated a meter above Garrad on his high throne, the effect was mortifying.  Garrad stuttered

“we, we, we don’t know why but the rain won’t come. And, and and..” the King’s patience was growing thin and Garrad feared that it may be the messenger who was blamed for the message.  His brief, uneventful life seemed to be standing by his side in the form of a miniature of himself, laughing and pointing as if to say ‘and it all comes down to this?!’

Garrad fell to his knees. “We have no taxes to bring you – the crops have failed. Our people are starving.”  The King sat back, his face clearing a little as he entered a realm of slightly more considered thought.  Garrad trembled before him, as he should, his eyes cast to the ground.

“And... my King...” the Royal brows furrowed again, wondering what other disaster this petty excuse for a human being wished to lay upon his beloved King!  “the animals are behaving oddly.”  He said the last almost in a whisper so that the words drifted up like the motes of dust caught in the shafts of sunlight.

There was a deathly quiet.  It must have lasted ten or more seconds – but to Garrad it felt like the time it took for a sword to descend upon his poor neck.  But no physical blow was received.  Just a jolt as the King quietly, and most penetratingly, asked one simple question:

“And what do you mean by that?”

Garrad looked up.  With what he had seen over the last month, and on the week long journey it had taken to reach the King, he realised that there was nothing more he could fear.  He stood, brazenly, and looked the King as close to in the eye as he could whilst looking up at such an angle.

“My King, strange things have happened. First the dust, then the heavy clouds that hang over us but do not rain.  The skies are dark and the air is...” Garrad didn’t quite know how to explain it – his vocabulary was fine when it came to cattle, to crops, to people. But this was something more, he felt, within the realm of the Priests and beyond his understanding let alone his ability to explain.  He did his best.

“The air tastes wrong. The animals are unhappy and they are behaving differently.” The King remained quiet. Garrad was not sure whether this was a good sign or the calm before the storm, but he knew he had to explain why he brought no taxes from the South.  Garrad continued “the animals are also changing.” He paused.  This would take some explaining. He wished now that he had brought more than one of the geese with him to show the King just what he meant, but the animal had died shortly after he left the South and its corpse had spoiled so quickly it was not possible even to eat it!

The King leaned down “What do mean?”  Garrad gulped anxiously, but stood his ground.

“The animals are ... “ (he didn’t know the word ‘metamorphosing’, it would have been helpful if he had) ”... doing weird things.  They are changing shape, and growing feathers and fur and just not behaving normally!  Our village elder was attacked by a chicken that grew fangs” Garrad’s voice faltered as he realised how ridiculous he sounded.

The King sat back. A smile played across his face. Ah... so this was how the South were going to get out of their tithe!  A tall story; did they really think he’d fall for such nonsense?

Garrad continued to ramble, talking of goosemilk and goatfeathers, hens teeth and mares nests. The King made a discreet signal to his guards (who were permanently stationed behind the plinth upon which his majestic throne rested).   

“Take him to the torture chamber.  And when he is suitably reminded of to whom he is speaking and whom he serves, find out what he and his Southern scum have done with our tithe.”

This was duly done, and poor Garrad died far more quickly than his torturers anticipated, giving them angst in anticipation of the King’s anger.

“My King,” the head torturer said. “We have found all we need to know from the slave Garrad.”

“Who?” the King asked nonchalantly, as if it was of no great concern, though in fact he was more than a little worried that the camel trains of grain had not arrived as usual.
“The slave from the Southlands.”  The King raised an acknowledging eyebrow. “We have learned that he has traded with the foreigners from the Great Continent. They have taken your tithe!”

The King frowned (a popular look, for him).  “Does this mean war, then?”  He was not actually asking the torturer, more asking himself rhetorically.  After a few moments consideration, he said

“Go to the Guard. We will venture South and take what is rightfully ours!”  The Head Torturer disappeared quickly, eager to fulfil the King’s wishes and glad that he himself had not been subject to a more thorough inquisition.

The King did not go with the army to the South. But in time he did hear of the clouds that hung over the southern lands, and strange stories of animals - and the people themselves - behaving most unnaturally.  Few of the regiment he sent returned, and those that did brought such stories as to beggar belief.  But he still wanted his corn, for the lords and dukes of his City needed feeding.  Perhaps, he thought, they could drink goosemilk?

(C) Carolyn Tyrrell-Sheppard - originally written in 2016

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Memory triggers

The real Kempton

I took my mother Sally to see 'The Duke' - a film about Kempton Bunton, and the theft of the famous painting of the Duke of Wellington by Goya. It was a lovely film set in the 1960s. It was fun to see the original footage of the 60s, with Jim Broadbent added, and the whole timbre of the film gave you a real sense of the period.

At one point in the film, a reference was made to the Dr No film (which briefly showed the painting, implying maybe Dr No stole it!), and Sean Connery, suave and smooth as ever, gives it more than a passing glance.

Mother and I thoroughly enjoyed the film, and on driving her back home, it had obviously triggered lots of memories. "He took me in his arms and kissed me" - she was referring to Sean Connery who, in his early days, used to regularly drink in a pub in London frequented by actors (including my dad amongst others). "What did dad say when Sean snogged you?" I asked. "Oh, he did it nicely; he kissed all the girls." 

Connery in the 60s

Mother has often said that Sean was a great one for networking and drinking with the 'right people', whilst my dad came home to his wife and (by the mid 60s) his two children. Is that why my dad was less successful than Sean? Well, maybe the looks had something to do with it too. 

The memories continued, and she reminisced that Alec Ross had been dad's best man at their wedding. She went to Alec and Sheila Hancock's wedding on the train, with Sheila's agent, Miriam (and she can't remember the surname). She thinks Anthony was away at rep somewhere, and met him there. 

Years later my dad, Anthony, saw Alex, and he ignored him. It wasn't long after that Alec passed away - too young. Sheila, however, is still going strong today - and I wonder if she remembers Sally?

I must do more to capture Sally's stories, she started her career at Stratford working with Sir John Geilgud and Richard Burton, Vivien Leigh and ... she drops so many famous names that I have to sweep up afterwards! 

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Apologies to the copyright owners of the photographs, I couldn't identify original sources. 

Mentoring

I'm an 'old hand' in the fundraising world, I started in the not for profit sector back in the 90s! I've worked in higher education, conservation, medical research and emergency medicine charities, and all have been unique and invaluable experiences. I've focused on individual giving, but also done major donor fundraising, legacy marketing, trusts and foundation fundraising, and a little bit of community and corporate fundraising. I was writing in the fundraising media about GDPR in 2014 (trying to raise awareness of what was coming), and been a compliance champion both for data protection and gambling regulations (for charities). In other words, I've had a very well-rounded fundraising career to date. 

I don't just do fundraising

I'm not bragging, I'm setting out the scenario for why I have been mentoring other fundraisers for some time. My most recent mentee was in major giving; I was asked if I would support them by their director. I have to say it was a hugely rewarding process because discussing plans, ideas, and results with a different charity (and a different role to my current one) not only helped the mentee but also helped me think more about my own role and charity. The mentee did extremely well and I saw their confidence grow rapidly.  Our mentoring partnership has now finished and they have moved on to another charity. I know the mentee is happy, but not sure about their director - I don't think developing them out of the organisation was the plan.

But that, again, is what I love about the charity sector. We see the benefit in developing individuals who continue to contribute to the sector - who grow, and in turn grow the charities they work for, which - in the end - benefits everyone.

If you are considering mentoring, don't worry about whether you are expert enough - the conversations will soon show you how you can add value. And most of all, mentoring is as rewarding for the mentor as it is for the mentee. 

There are plenty of resources out there advising how to select a mentor, the dos and don'ts of mentoring, and how to record and track progress (eg goal setting, stretch goals, habit forming goals etc). It doesn't have to take a lot of time - an hour a month perhaps.

Please consider mentoring, and not just in your discipline - you will be amazed how you can support others and watch them grow, and enjoy your own development too. If you think you'd like to be a mentor, or have a mentor, then talk to your network, talk to your HR manager, but never be afraid to ask.

Useful links:

• Chartered Institute of Fundraising Mentoring Programme
• Mentorloop software (a good blog on mentoring)
• CIPD mentoring factsheets

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Two farewells and a welcome

My first farewell is to my wonderful son. He has gone to Australia to be a fully fledged citizen. He's got the long floppy blonde hair, he can surf, and everything!  Although I am of course sad that my son won't be just two hours away by car, I am so excited and pleased for him. He is going on the sort of adventure that, if I was just a little bit younger, I'd love to go on myself. He has a lovely partner, an amazing Australian family who have made him one of their own, and a whole exciting future to plan and enjoy. And, of course, we will get to go and visit him. I can't wait to get to Australia again and see more of that amazing country - and of course get to see my son. I may even visit Judy, my 'cousin' - the granddaughter of my father's half-brother who emigrated when he was just 16. 

With Alex leaving for Australia, our final ties to the market town of
Royston have been severed. The little house that I loved renting, and then provided a home for Alex too, has gone back to its owner, and the kind neighbours and friends we made are left behind. But I have so many happy memories - not just of the last few years, but of the many I spent in that town where my children grew up and where I was a PTA committee member (two schools), a member of the local Writers Circle, and generally a happy resident. Royston is special in its own way - it is on the crossroads of two ley lines, the Greenwich Meridian and the two oldest Roman Roads in Britain. There is the unique Royston Cave, lovely Priory Gardens (where  my children learned to cycle) and - once upon a time - there was a swimming pool and cinema. Royston changed, I changed, we all change. Although I also spent some dark time there, the familiarity of the town and the people in it was a comfort then. My memories of Royston will be good.

My final welcome is to my second grandchild, a little girl born in February. There is nothing that marks time passing like children. You can be married for years and nothing seems to change, but have a child and every month milestones are reached, and you notice the weeks, months and years. You have a comparison in your life that is unmatched. My babies are adults, my daughter a parent herself, and I am delighted to welcome this beautiful little girl.

These are hard times. There is a war on which I fear is only the start of bigger, and worse, things. There is more financial pressure on families and the economy than there has been for generations. Covid is still here and very present, and still making people ill and taking lives. I have a limited contract of work and will be job hunting again soon. Nothing stays the same. 

At times like this, when there are so many dark clouds on the horizon, then I look to the good things in my life; I have a job now, I have a wonderful (albeit far flung) family, an amazing wife, I live in a beautiful place and have many good friends. Things may change, things will change. This is life. Treasure it. 

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Tales from a fundraiser

When working for a dementia charity, I oversaw training our agencies, including telephone fundraisers. This was way before the pandemic, and even before GDPR, so we could meet in person and could ‘cold’ call using data that had been sourced with the right permissions. 

Photo from EngageEmployee.com

Before the callers arrived, I plugged in my presentation and set up the room. It was boardroom style. I took every chair in the room and turned it round – so the back of the chair was to the table. The callers came in and all looked confused, should they turn the chair round? Should they sit in it as it was?

 

They milled around for a bit, and I said ‘Good morning. How do you feel?’ And they all replied “Confused” (by the chair positions) and asked me what they should do. ‘Sit down please’. Some sat with the chairs facing outwards, some sat and moved the chairs towards the desk, or towards me. This confusion was exactly what I wanted to achieve. ‘Great,’ I said. ‘Now you get just the tiniest insight into how someone with dementia feels every day.’ I then went into my formal training presentation, starting with ‘how many of you know someone or have a family member with dementia?’ – sadly nearly all the hands went up. 

The chair rearrangement was a small ‘trick’, but it prefixed a highly successful calling campaign (one of the callers themselves became a donor). If you can get your fundraisers – whether they are agency or staff – to think from your beneficiaries’ perspective for even a short while, then you stand a much better chance of them being more invested in a positive outcome from their efforts. Which, in the end, is better for everyone - from the recipient of the call to the charity beneficiary. 

Useful links 

• Alzheimer’s Society 
• Alzheimer’s Research UK 
• Dementia UK 
• Telephone Fundraising Code of Practice (current)

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