Fear

This is me.

Well, actually, I should have titled this post 'unafraid'. But I've used 'fear' because Richard Wilkins, the amazing man who runs the Ministry of Inspiration with Liz, has sent out a video on facebook called F*ck Fear. And it's been shared over 12,000 times, because there is a strong and real message in there.

Fear is tool ruthlessly used by our inner voice, our insecurity, that inner 'script' that tries to make us jump, quiver and generally not be who we truly are. That voice in your head is a liar. It is made of things you've done true, but it is also written by what has been done to you, what your loved ones, friends, colleagues and even random strangers say to you - it's written by others. It is not the true you.

With cancer now a part of my life, not just my partner's, I am looking forward positively. I am unafraid. Even before I understood that this disease is not likely to kill me (though I still don't know that for sure), I'm still unafraid.

I've never been afraid of death, and cancer has no power to scare me either. It does not have the power to 'redefine me' as a cancer victim or sufferer. It does not have the power to change my positive outlook and my love for life and living. Cancer is not my identity, it's just another page in my script.

With the covid-19 coverage causing fear and anxiety at unprecedented levels, it is a good time to remember and consider all the good things in live. Forget fear, be unafraid (but don't be stupid). Love who you are, and believe in yourself.

Useful links:

Ministry of Information

Liked this? Try

Kindness is a strength
Attitude and examination

I've said it now

Sunday 26 January 2020

If I can write every day – even just a few paragraphs, then I’ll be making progress. I haven’t written properly for a long time, and there are lots of reasons of course, but all of them are just excuses. I love to write, and by not writing I have let a little piece of me deteriorate. Same with song-writing – not just the lyrics, but the music too.

I got stuck in a rut for a while, I have to admit. But my life has changed so much in the last two years – I’m out of that rut, and now I’m looking around at the new horizons. I have not changed my life so much that everything is different, but I can most certainly spend time now doing more writing, and – if I can motivate myself to do so – playing more music.

Last year was untypical to say the least with my partner’s cancer treatment pretty much occupying the whole year in various ways. I did write a bit about our experiences, but it was a different kind of writing – writing to share something intimate and challenging, and to share to help others as well as ourselves.

A blog without a photo is boring.
This is my favourite pine tree.

Cancer treatment has finished, and hopefully Sheena will continue to get stronger and better now that the cancer has gone. But the side effects of the treatments (which only stopped this month) need some recovery time too.

Back to the start of this – that I want to write every day. Writing is like any muscle, you need to use it to keep it strong and flexible. So, I’m limbering up – getting ready to launch back into exercising my writing brain beyond the daily use demanded by work, or the occasional blog.

My plan is to write a novel. Oh yes, everyone has a novel in them we know, but do I have a story, and a loose plot, I just need to work on characterisations, structure and then simply sit down and write. It doesn’t matter if what I write isn’t good enough – it matters only that I write. The more I do so, the more I will improve. I will also ask for critique from those whose opinions I value, sure of their honesty.

If you have a goal you want to achieve, what do you do to pursue it? In a recent training course (which has prompted me to do this), one of the recommendations was ‘affirmations’ – saying out loud to yourself what it is you want to achieve. One colleague put it really simply, “I’ve said it, so I’ll do it”.  I like that.

Hence this rather boring, but important to me, blog. I have said it. I will do it.

Other blog posts related to writing:

Thesisa

Troublesome angels

Time management

Postscript - having looked for a photo to illustrate this post, I think I just might write something about that tree next.

(C) Carolyn Sheppard

Don't load their gun

Last week, several of us from work attended a training event that was a bit different from the norm. The two-day course, called ‘Winning Edge’, was about how to change the way you think to develop (amongst other things) ‘success-oriented attitudes’.  It was donated to the Charity by a local trainer who needed to deliver her first session solo so she could be signed off to teach it independently.  

I’m not going to attempt to distil two days’ training in a single update, but here’s a little excerpt from one of the workbooks to give you a taster –

“Remember that the opposite of success isn’t failure – it’s not trying at all. If we view the ‘failure’ as a stepping stone and not a stumbling block, we ‘reframe’ the word in our consciousness, increase our confidence and reduce our fear of failure, which is a key reason that many people never even attempt to achieve their dreams.”

OK, I’m on board with that. But there were many discussions around several subjects and concepts that – I’m delighted to say – the team were ready to discuss, challenge and develop. It was a stimulating two days, and we still have a further day to go (in February).

But the title of this post is about weaponry, and it’s a concept that I think worth sharing. If someone insults you, or says something that upsets you, or offends you, then they are using a ‘verbal gun’. Now that gun is only loaded if you are insulted, are upset, or offended. In other words, the other person has absolutely no power to ‘shoot’ you unless you choose to ‘load their gun’ by feeling a negative emotion.

And you can choose how you react.

Let me give an example:

“Carolyn, you look tired today”. Is the person saying this to me

• a)       Concerned for my health
• b)      Making a snide comment as I have dark rings under my eyes
• c)       Just making conversation
• d)      Making an observation?

It doesn’t matter, because how I react, how I choose to interpret and respond to what is being said to me, is what counts. They made a comment. I can choose to listen, or not listen, and above all I can choose how I feel about what they said. I can choose not to be insulted, upset or offended. 

This subject alone engendered quite a bit of discussion, but it did have a useful learning point – perhaps it could even be interpreted as ‘don’t let the beggars grind you down’. But it’s more than that, it’s not about defiance or challenge, it's about choice. Choose not to let someone insult, offend, upset you, and you totally take away their power. Don’t load their gun with the bullet of your response.  This will take time and practice if you choose to subscribe to this way of thinking and if you are upset by something that’s ok, it doesn’t mean your feelings are less valid because you chose to react to them in that way.

For more information; and in the meantime, here’s the website https://www.winningedgemindset.com/

It’s not you, it’s me

This isn’t about relationships in the traditional sense, it’s about jobs. I recently applied for a job that looked absolutely perfect! It was in the right location, the right skill set, and the role was a step up for me.

I wrote a great application and got an interview. After a tour of the location (it was amazing, a wonderful place to work I’m sure), and some honest conversations with the senior team, I went through the formal interview process with the Board.

A mindfulness moment

And when it came to ‘why do you want this job?’ I answered honestly. And realised I had applied for all the wrong reasons. It was the perfect location, the perfect role, and yet I wasn’t the perfect candidate.

I had applied for the role because it was all the things that I thought I was looking for. But, the truth is, I am not really looking for another job. I love where I work, but had said to myself what my ‘next step’ should be, and this role fitted the bill.

I’m not ready for the next step, not when it isn’t the right step. The next role I apply for must be for the right reasons, for a real desire to do what they are asking, not just tick a few boxes in the ‘how to progress your career’ list. I lacked passion and purpose for this role, and they saw it

In this case, it wasn’t them, it was me. And I’m grateful for the opportunity to have found myself out, and to have also met some amazing people at another fantastic charity. Meanwhile, I know my passion and purpose are very much focused on my current role, even if it doesn’t have the fancy job title that would give my ego a little boost. I work for an amazing charity, have fantastic colleagues and a great team. I’m not finished here yet.

 Liked this? Try this blog where I found this great quote:

“Passion alone does not provide the greatest fulfillment in our lives. Passion that is LINKED to a PURPOSE, provides the greatest fulfillment in our lives.”

You may also like:

Kindess is a strength

Choice

Photo (C) Carolyn Sheppard

Kindness is a strength

I originally published a shorter version of this as 'Voyage of Discovery'.  I added a bit and shared it on our work intranet as part of Mental Health Awareness Week.  Here's the blog again - but read the comments at the end please. 

I thought this was going to be hard to write because it's a very personal voyage. But it turned out to be easy:

Let me take you back just a few years to when I was a depressed, unhappy wife to a man I loved but who didn't love me. This poorest version of me was a lost soul at sea who had abandoned her hopes and dreams. I only held on for the kids.  I saw myself as a failure, as the reason for his infidelity, as not being worth anything, not deserving. There is low and there is suicidal, and between these two is where I placed my self-esteem.

Can you picture it? A sad, middle aged woman with haunted eyes.  Even so, there was some part of me that was still strong, still struggled to be my normal self despite the voice in my head that said "You failed. You aren't worth it. It's your fault."  (My mantra was "old, fat and ugly".) This voice, that we maybe all have, was a voice bequeathed me by my parents, peers friends and my husband. Yes, this destructive self-talk was prompted by those around me. 

So jump to now – see me strong, confident, knowing it's OK to not be OK, knowing that I may have failed sometimes but I am not a failure. You see the voice in your head is just a script, handed down page by page throughout your life. It can't be unwritten or even edited, but it can be recognised for what it is – not the enemy, not something to be cured or fixed or forgotten, but understood and put in context.  No matter what the script says, it is just a voice – a thought. It is not your true identity, just a role you play.  You are not the sum of the things that have happened to you or what people say about you. That's your 'script', it is not your true identity.

I've been on lots of self-development courses, but none of them helped me much. They showed me more faults, more things I should be doing, more reasons why I was not succeeding at life. So I did something that did change my life.

My voyage was painful one, but I was not alone. I spent five days with people who understood my state, sympathised and empathised, and who had turmoil of their own; feeling suicidal, been abused, struggled with drug addiction, feelings of worthlessness, physical and mental abuse...  and yet we all shared equally.  Our voyage together turned us from eight random strangers into a strong crew who believe the best of each other. That is a rare and precious thing.  Each of us told our intimate stories and – we realised - that these shaped how we saw ourselves. We were always surprised that each of us carried such distorted identities in our heads.  Seven friendly voices reflected back the truth they saw, shouted down the script and helped us to find and be our true selves. To love ourselves again.

There's so much more I could explain, but for now I'll just say that after years and years of self-dislike I am very happy in my own skin. I also feel happier than I have ever been (even with all that has been happening to my amazing partner). 

It's never too late to be good to yourself.  You do deserve it. You are worth it. I know I am.

I am happy to share my epxeriences in more detail if it may help someone. Ignore the negative voice in your head, you are amazing - you work here after all!

Here are the comments I got from my colleagues, after posting this - it shows the power of sharing.

Colleague 1: I love this Carolyn. Thank you so much for sharing.

2: Amazing, Carolyn. Thank you for sharing this

3: This is so incredible, Carolyn. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and giving hope and inspiration to those who may also feel they are on their own. Xx

4: You are a lovely and very brave woman, thank you for sharing your journey

My boss; You are a very brave and kind woman Carolyn. And Kindness is a true strength, a true asset and an absolute must in managing people. Keep being you, love from me. x

CEO: I got a lump in my throat reading this or should I say hearing this - your voice came through loud and clear in telling your story. Thank you.

Voyage of discovery

I wrote this as a competition entry.  The theme was 'voyage of discovery' and we had a limited word count.

I thought this was going to be hard to write because it’s a very personal voyage. But it turned out to be easy:

Let me take you back just a few years to when I was a depressed, unhappy wife to a man I loved but who didn’t love me. This poorest version of me was a lost soul at sea who had abandoned her hopes and dreams. I only held on for the kids.  I saw myself as a failure, as the reason for his infidelity, as not being worth anything, not deserving. There is low and there is suicidal, and between these two is where I placed my self-esteem.

Can you picture it? A sad, middle aged woman with haunted eyes.  Even so, there was some part of me that was still strong, still struggled to be my normal self despite the voice in my head that said “You failed. You aren’t worth it. It’s your fault.”  (My mantra was “old, fat and ugly”.) This voice, that we maybe all have, was a voice bequeathed me by my parents, peers friends and my husband. Yes, this destructive self-talk was prompted by those around me. 

So jump to now – see me strong, confident, knowing it’s OK to not be OK, knowing that I may have  failed sometimes but I am not a failure. You see the voice in your head is just a script, handed down page by page throughout your life. It can’t be unwritten or even edited, but it can be recognised for what it is – not the enemy, not something to be cured or fixed or forgotten, but understood and put in context.  No matter what the script says, it is just a voice – a thought. It is not your true identity, just a role you play.

My voyage was painful one, but I was not alone. I spent five days with people who understood my state, and who had turmoil of their own; feeling suicidal, been raped, struggled with drug addiction, abuse...  and yet we all shared equally.  Our voyage together turned us from eight random strangers into a strong crew who believe the best of each other. That is a rare and precious thing.  Each of us told our intimate stories and – we realised - that these shaped how we saw ourselves. We were always surprised that each of us carried such distorted identities in our heads.  Seven friendly voices reflected back the truth they saw, shouted down the script and helped us to find and be our true selves. To love ourselves again.

There’s so much more I could explain, but for now I’ll just say that after years and years of self-dislike I am very happy in my own skin. I also feel happier than I have ever been. It’s never too late to be good to yourself.  You do deserve it. You are worth it. I know I am.

With thanks to Richard Wilkins and Liz Ivory.

Links

Ministry of Inspiration
Royston Arts Festival

Liked this?

Try...

Choice
Ghost stories
The curious tiger

Choice

Me and Bella last summer

I’ve just spent a week working on my own choices. How? Well, as I said it took a week, so I can’t really explain it all here in a short blog post.  But the nub of it is about choosing how we feel – because all the feelings in the world that we want (and don’t want) are accessible to us – we already have them all inside*

It sounds a bit simple, doesn’t it, that you can just choose how you feel? But when it comes down to it, choice is an important opportunity that many of us do not take advantage of.

For example, if you had the choice between feeling confident and feeling nervous, you’d choose confident.  Now this may seem glib and even insulting but once you are taken through the thought process and set some hard challenges (about self), it’s actually really powerful.

There’s a ‘voice in my head’ that says I’m not good enough, unloveable, ugly, fat, old, stupid, that the future I want is impossible… the list of my own failings to me is quite a long one. But that’s not how others see me. That’s not how I want to see me, but I have been choosing to believe the negative voice and ignoring the opinion of everyone else.

In other words, I’d rather believe a lie because it makes me feel bad, than the truth, which is about who I really am.  So after this week, I’ve chosen to believe the truth about who I am and be happy with that – warts and all – and tell that voice in my head to ‘shut the f*ck up’ (or at least turn it down a bit).

I spent a lot of money on this course, money I could have spent on a holiday, or the home, but I’m glad I spent it on me; there’s only one of me in the whole world, just like there’s only one of you. Our uniqueness is something to be treasured and celebrated. Is this an explosion of ego? No – it’s a great step forward in finding and being my authentic self. 

If you want to know more about this course, or the people who run it, check them out on Facebook.  You may find it a bit whacky, out of your comfort zone, but it took three years to get me to even think about attending this course, and it is likely to be the most important decision I have ever taken. Cool, huh?!

* You may wish to point out that there are people who do not have every feeling available to them, but let’s face it, a true lack of feeling (even hate) would be pretty hard to find in any conscious human.  Oh, and any sentence you start (in your head or in voice) with ‘Yeah, but…’ is usually working hard on behalf of that negative voice, so beware!

PS - I did not have to build bridges, climb trees, wade through rivers, walk over coals, live in the wild or even eat raw insects  - but I did make new, amazing friends.

Photo of me by Anna Langley

Positive intention

Scary shoes...

Have you ever had one of those weeks when different sources all say the same thing? You know, you see a pair of shoes you like in a shop window, then you see a friend wearing them, then your favourite TV star has them on… so you think ‘those shoes are meant for me!'

Well, sometimes the messages you get are a bit more direct, and more important. I’ve recently been on a couple of self-development events. Now scoff you may, but self-development is simply the will to change something in your life, or in yourself, and actually doing something about it.

The interesting thing is that the two different courses had similar but different angles on the same message (not surprising perhaps). What is more interesting is that my fundraising training also had the same message, and the person closest to me is also saying the same thing.

It’s about time I listened and took some steps towards making the changes that I want.  Yes, I have actively pursued these learnings, so there is no coincidence perhaps, but what is coming through is a simple message. If I want to change, all I have to do is believe in what I want.

Forget the past, the hurts and the difficulties, I have to look forward and start moving towards what I want. Doesn’t matter if I never get there, I need to start moving in the right direction instead of standing still and looking about in a ‘woe is me’ kind of way. OK, maybe I’m not that defeatist, but taking an active step forward can be very difficult. Bugger it. I need to move forwards.

If only life were this simple...

And the other interesting thing is that this resonates so much with what I learned about leadership years back when I worked in learning and development. How can I have ignored all the messages that were so clear then, and yet not acted on them? Simple, I let the past cloud my progress. I let negative me win the arguments.

Well, stuff the past, and my negative voices - I have to learn to be present. That’s not easy though, not the least because I’m not really sure what it means. But more than that, I have to learn to dream. Just because one set of expectations or dreams were postponed, shattered or rewritten, doesn’t mean I can’t plan ahead for something different. "No use crying over spilt milk", comes to mind.

There’s no ‘magic bullet’, no moment of enlightenment for me, but a steady progress. If I want change in my life (and I do), then I have to envision what that is, and make it my intent. By that I mean if I want to lose weight, I don’t want to ‘go on a diet’, I ‘intend to be fitter and healthier’. Bullshit? It doesn’t matter whether it is bull poo or not, it’s the way of thinking that matters. And event though I don't agree with some of the theories or ideas that I've been presented with recently, that's OK too. I will take and use what I need.

I don’t know for sure exactly what I want, but I know more about where I want to be. So instead of wandering aimlessly, I at last have a bit more of a sense of direction.  I’m on a journey that will ultimately end in my death. That’s OK, that’s cool. But I’m going to try and make it a better ride, with comfier seats.

Liked this post?  Check out these:

Mind your mind

My take on the universe 

Some other interesting links:

Free mindfulness

Karl Moore on Twitter

Richard Wilkins says 'F*ck it'

Photo credits:

Scary shoes

Roller coaster