Tuesday, December 22, 2020

Update and a request

MRI Scanner (C) Southampton NHS
My scan came back as looking good, and so are my bloods, so I am starting chemo on 11 January, with my PICC line revised date now 8th Jan. At least I won't have the PICC over Christmas. But of course with all the changes in tiers, and the spread of this new variant of covid, I guess it's not guaranteed. What will be will be - the most important thing is to look forward and tackle each challenge as it arises.

The side-effects of the chemo are not great, especially the neuropathy and the feeling of coldness in the extremities and the throat (meaning that cold air can make you breathless). And the idea of a runny tummy with an ileostomy doesn't exactly thrill me either - but whatever comes, I will deal with. One more stage in getting rid of Gertrude and her offspring completely.

Of course this doesn't guarantee that it will never come back, but I will have regular scans, so we will be able to keep tabs and if something suspicious does arise, it will be spotted early on.

And that's the purpose of this blog post - not to worry about the New Year, treatment etc, but to ask each and every one of you if you would do the following:

  • Listen to your body - if something doesn't feel right, get it checked.
  • If you need help, or feel like things are too much - ask for help. You are strong but everyone needs a hand sometimes.
  • Make sure you keep your scan appointments, and if you are due one and it hasn't turned up, then ask. Covid should not stop you getting checked; even if it can't be done immediately, make sure you are scheduled whether it's for a mammogram, smear or whatever. 
  • Support your NHS by using common sense and avoiding contact as much as you can - it's something that is going to hurt this Christmas, but it's important for all of us. Those with cancer - diagnosed or not - may be especially vulnerable.
  • Be kind. There is so much stress, so much sadness and loss - your kind word, gesture or deed could make the difference.

I have had a strange year to say the least - with Covid knocking my treatment schedule for six - but I'm here, and looking forward to 2021 and many more years too. I want to thank everyone for their support - from friends who I know well to those I am just 'social media' buddies with, to my family, the NHS who have been amazing, and my employers. 

I am not alone through everything I've been through and am going through, so my final comment is to thank my amazing partner, Sheena, for not only supporting me, but also helping my mother, who can be challenging sometimes!

Here's to 2021 - to the success of the vaccine, to common sense, and to kindness.

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Friday, December 11, 2020

The Coldest Christmas

It was the winter of 1946 and it was very, very cold.  In our community in the Mendips, we suffered terribly. The hills were covered in snow and the livestock were already in poor condition. The land girls did a good job, but the farm I lived on suffered a loss of a good third of our sheep due to them being in poor condition when the bad weather hit.  We were more or less trapped, and getting to the village for supplies was difficult; the old horse could only do so much.  

On a farm each day is the same – you look after the animals first. So, on Christmas eve we got up early and went out to find the sheep so we could feed them whatever silage we could dig out from the barn. But we couldn’t find them. Our day was spent with the dog and the horse, looking for them.

The days were winter short, and Christmas eve was cold, but bright, the hills draped in snow as if they were ready for a wedding. We went out again after lunch to look for the sheep, me, my brother and my father. Just the three of us. My brother Jeff was always a quiet lad, and since coming back from the war was even more withdrawn. He was happiest with the sheep, and his dog, so not finding them today caused him some distress, though the only way we knew it was because he was frowning more and hardly spoke at all.

Jeff took the lead with Scrap, the dog. She bounded up and down in the deep snow, her black markings standing out on the white landscape. The sun was low over the hills and shone bright, like a searchlight. If we hadn’t been so concerned for the sheep, it would have been a beautiful scene. It was hard for me to move through the snow, being the shortest, but I was determined to keep up with the adults. After all, at 13 I was just about an adult anyway.

Scrap barked, and disappeared - the snow must have been very deep. We headed towards her muffled calls and, wading through the snow, we found her digging. Jeff looked hopeful, anticipating finding the sheep perhaps, but Scrap had dug a tunnel in the snow not to one of our beasts, but to an old wooden box. We finished Scrap’s work and dug it up; it was old, black oak, and bound with brass fixings and a fastener with a padlock. Jeff looked at it in disgust, so I took hold of it, out of curiosity. Father just looked thoughtful.

We looked for the sheep until the sun dipped behind the lowest of the hills, and headed home in the weird light that you get when the snow is lit by reflection upon reflection. We trudged home, still looking for signs of sheep on the way, with Scrap bounding ahead happily, and me still carrying the small wooden box.

When we got home, I asked father if I could have the box, and he just shrugged. Jeff was totally uninterested, just tried fiddling with the radio to try and get some signal and a sign of life outside or small, frozen and desolate world. To me, the box was like a Christmas present, so I laid it by the hearth so I could open it in the morning.

Christmas eve we ate some bread and dripping, and went to bed early – Jeff hadn’t got a squeak out of the radio, and we were all downhearted at not finding the sheep. Father let out a huge sigh, and Jeff frowned some more. Scrap curled up by the fire, her tail wagging and her one white and one brown eye looking up at me as if to say ‘goodnight’.

Christmas morning broke and we rose, wished each other the usual seasonal greeting, and then went about our work. My job was to feed the chickens and I wanted to do it quickly – the snow had fallen again overnight but the blanket of white was almost insulating, and with the yellow winter sun, the world was glowing as the sun rose. The chickens were pleased to see me but not impressed with the few food scraps we gave them; they would have to scavenge and dig in the snow.

Jeff had taken Scrap to look for the sheep again, but promised to be back soon, he wouldn’t go far on his own. Father was busy with the horse and the cow in our yard, and having finished my chores I went back into the kitchen. It didn’t feel like Christmas – there was no tree, no presents, but there was plenty of snow. I thought about my mother briefly – wondering what she might have done for us on Christmas day if she hadn’t passed away with smallpox when I was just a babe.

I started preparing for the one thing that would make us feel like Christmas – lunch! Father had killed and prepared a chicken for us and I peeled some of the wrinkly potatoes we still had. And then, I heard a noise – a sort of muffled jingle. I stopped my work and looked around the cottage, trying to fathom the source of the noise. And I came to my box – the one from the field. The noise was coming from it, and getting louder as I got nearer.

Father was in the yard, Jeff was in the fields with Scrap, so being brave I picked up the box and shook it. The noise continued! Something in my head said that I had to open it and let out the sound so I put the box on the kitchen table to see if I could find remove the padlock. I put the box on the table and turned to our ‘everything’ draw. I found a bunch of old black keys, some from the cottage, others just collected over the years. And one, just one key on the bunch, looked more silver than black. It looked just about the right size too.

I fitted the key into the padlock and it turned. It creaked and was stiff, but with my small fingers firmly pulling the bar, the lock slipped open and I took it off and opened the box. Inside was a small bell – silver, bright and shiny as if it was new. As I lifted the bell out to look at it, the door opened and Jeff and an excited Scrap came in. “Found ‘em” he said. And, for the first time in weeks, he smiled. Father came in too; “There’s a cart coming.”  

I showed them both the bell, then popped it back in its box and returned to getting the chicken into the oven and the potatoes on the burner. We would need a hot meal today, and if we had visitors, I’d best put the kettle on.

The cart and its occupants finally pulled into our yard, with their horse steaming like the kettle. Jeff went out and rubbed the horse down and Father invited the Carters in. He brought them into the kitchen as I poured out a piping brew. “’Tis Martha and James,” said Father, “and they brung us Christmas.” I was a little confused until Martha, smiling and slightly steaming herself, came into the kitchen and put a large box on the table. “Presents,” She said, “and some vittles. Thought it would be good for us all to eat together today, seeing as how we are on our own too, just across the valley.” It must have been quite a journey from their small farmhouse. Jeff smiled even more; I think he liked Martha, and she was just about his age too. Father and James sat at by the fire to discuss the challenges of the terrible winter, and Martha helped me get more food on the go and set the table ready for a Christmas feast.

After a wonderful meal and more talk at the table than I’d heard in months, Martha brought the box with the presents out. There was a white handkerchief for father, a small bear with a red ribbon bow around his neck for me, and a penknife for Jeff. “We bain’t got no presents for you,” said father regretfully, but I had an idea and took the ribbon from the neck of my bear, and threaded the silver bell upon it. “Yes we have father, we have this Christmas bell for them.”   Martha was delighted and her smile made Jeff blush with pleasure. Since finding the bell we had found our sheep, and found Christmas. I hoped the bell would be as lucky for Martha and her father as I believed it had been for us.

Story (C) Carolyn Sheppard

Photo (C) Carolyn Sheppard (it's Royston, not the Mendips, but there you go)

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Wednesday, December 09, 2020

Picc and mix

When I spoke to my surgeon a couple of weeks ago, I heard the word 'oral' in relation to preventative chemotherapy. I hung on to that! But... if you have an ileostomy like I do, then anything you take orally gets flushed out rather early on in the digestive system. So, when I met my oncology team today, the news was that I will be having chemotherapy intravenously.

There's two lots of chemo that I'll be having, and both have some side effects, but the one that is likely to cause peripheral neuropathy (tingling in the fingtertips, loss of sensation etc), is the one that I could stop if needed. One of Sheena's chemo drugs (not the same as mine) gave her neuropathy, and a year on she still has pain because of it. I'm not on such strong drugs, but even so - I am aware of the potential side effects, one of which may be diarrhoea (which won't be fun with a stoma!)


I have lots to read still, so I can understand exactly what is going to happen, and a few more appointments to come. Particularly on 22nd December I will have a PICC line inserted. So that's a cannula that will stay in me for the whole of the chemotherapy treatment, which will be at least three months. I will probably have my first chemo between Christmas and New Year, and it involves a pump that will take 48 hours to deliver one of the meds. I have lots still to understand about the process.

I was a bit shocked to hear that not only would I need intravenous, but that I'd have a picc line, but thanks to some helpful comments from knowledgeable friends, I feel a bit better about it now. I will have to have chemo every two weeks, but each alternative week I will have 'line maintenance' to make sure the picc line doesn't become an infection risk. So that's weekly visits to the hospital for 20 weeks.

So it's PICC and MIXed emotions for me - because though I don't like the idea of the cannula, it does mean that each time I go I won't have to have a new needle inserted, so it will save me being stuck on a bi-weekly basis. That's a positive.

The treatment is needed because one of 19 lymph nodes had a cancer in it when they examined the pathology (Gertrude had babies before being evicted), so there is the risk of the cancer spreading. This treatment will reduce the likelihood of cancer recurrence by 15%. Doesn't sound high, but if you switch it round, I would have a 15% chance (at least) of getting the cancer again without treatment. So, I am going to go ahead.

The team at Ipswich hospital have been amazing, as ever, and when I go for treatment at the Wolverstone Ward I will know some of the staff because of the time we spent there with Sheena. This time she can't come in with me like I did with her because of Covid restrictions. 

The end result will be that I won't have cancer. That's the end game, and that's what I am focusing on. To quote a famous marketing campaign, "F*CK CANCER!". 

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Friday, December 04, 2020

Christmas movie season

Photo by New Line, Warner Bros., Miramax, RKO,
20th Century Fox/courtesy Everett Collection
Housebound doesn't mean I have to watch Christmas movies, but I confess it's become a bit of a habit these last couple of weeks. There are channels dedicated to Christmas films, and a regular two or three on some channels daily, so there's plenty of choice.

I now consider myself well informed on Christmas movies and have distilled the plot lines as follows:

1.    Small town beats the city every time

2.    The girl will fall in love with the 'home town' boy 

3.    If he has children, the lead man will be widowed

4.    If she has children, the lead women will usually be widowed

5.    The children are all perfectly behaved and encourage the relationship with a new potential 'step'

6.    Christmas is magic. Fairies and elves do exist, as does Santa

7.    Americans in movies can put up hundreds of extremely complex decorations in record time

8.    The lead man will have a talent such as wood working or some other art

9.    If the lead (male or female) has an ex who shows up, they will want to get back together and the     new lead love interest will catch them kissing

10.    It will end happily ever after at the last minute, usually on Christmas day

11.    Song written for the films (where a character plays them on guitar/piano) are usually terrible

12.    Setting the film in a real snow scenario is a lot better than the fake snow - especially as the poor    cast are usually sweating in the fake (warm) settings

I think that's enough - so with that information above, I think all of us could write a Christmas movie script easily!  I haven't found one yet with anything but a heterosexual love story. 

The benefits of watching Christmas movies that are so formulaic that you can guess the plot in 5 minutes? Simple - escapism, feel good, and some pretty scenery.

CHALLENGE!

I am going to give it a go (watch this space) so if you can, write a 1,500 word Christmas story including at least three of the the above points. 

Ready? OK - go! And if you want to share them, send them to me and I will publish here. 

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Friday, November 27, 2020

The dog nose...


Before Sheena started her cancer treatment, her little dog Chizel was very 'clingy'.  He would nestle up to her more than usual, want to be on her lap - generally be closer. Once Sheena was diagnosed and her treatment started, he was keen to be as close to her as possible.

When she went for chemo at the hospital, Chizel would wait in the car and I would come out every now and then and check on him, take him for a walk, and when Sheena came out (and I drove home), he would want to be on her lap.

Chizel sleeps in our bedroom in his own little bed on Sheena's side. When my cancer treatment started (and probably before that actually), Chizel started sleeping on my side of the bed - with no nice comfy dog bed, just the floor. All thround the summer, through radiotherapy and after, Chizel stayed on my side of the bed.

After coming home from my operation, Chizel went back to his side and the comfy dog bed. I think the dog's nose 'knows'. We know dogs can detect cancer, Covid, Parkinsons, epilepsy  - there are so many amazing things medical detection dogs can do. I am choosing to believe Chizel, that my cancer has gone, but the team at Ipswich hospital want to make doubly sure.

My cancer was removed and the surgeon is happy that a good clear margin was taken all the way round, but one of the many lymph nodes they removed did have a tumour. So the next stage will be some preventative chemotherapy. I will now have to wait for an oncology appointment to find out what and when, and have more scans to make sure it's all going well.

The positive from all this is that the surgery went well and my recovery on that side is good. If Chizel starts coming back to my side of the bed, then I'll get worried! Meantime I'll keep on with the treatment that means I am going to live, and not have cancer, and get on with my life. Next year is going to be a whole new adventure.

I know these are difficult times, but if you have any symptoms that are even slightly worrying you, take action. Call you GP, get tested, because having your mind put at rest is a whole lot better than waiting until treament needs to be drastic. And if your dog or cat starts behaving differently around you, listen to them too.

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Sunday, November 08, 2020

Bag lady

Pre-op pressure stockings
Monday 26 October 2020 I went into hospital for an ultra low anterior resection. Basically, removing a large section of my sigmoid colon and stitching together the two 'ends'. This is major surgery and I was told it would feel a bit like being hit by a truck. No one mentioned that the truck stayed parked on you afterwards as well.

The operation took more than 7 I am told. Laying on the operating table before going into theatre, surrounded by anaethetists and my consultant, another doctor popped in and said hello. It was Neil, who works for the Air Ambulance. 'Look after her, she's one of ours.' Those words - I can't express how much they meant. I knew they'd look after me, but his visit was extra special.

I had a canula put in my hand, and they rolled me onto  my side to put injections into my back as well, and then... blissfull nothingness. 

I woke being taken to the ward - and it's a bit of a blur exept the numbness in my left hand thumb and fingers felt wrong. They changed my drip and my hand began to feel worse and the canula (which was now in my arm and not in the back of my hand) hurt like hell and the vein swelled up like a balloon. I had an allergic reaction to one of the drips and a rash appeared all over my head, neck and front/back. They changed the drip quickly and filled me with anti-histamine.

Although I was pretty lucid the Monday evening - after that I was not with it at all. I couldn't reach my phone on the side table, and if I did have it, I wrote complete gibberish to Sheena. She was phoning the ward and had comprehensible updates from the staff, who were taking excellent care of me. She also updated my family for me. I didn't face time, I looked like hell, felt worse. 

On the second day they removed the dressings from the four scars on my belly where they had laparoscopically removed the cancerous colon. As well as the operation scars, there was also a wound drain from my ileostomy (bag 1), which drained out thin blood like fluid. I had the ileostomy (bag 2) which was so 'productive' they had to switch me to a high volume version. I was on a catheter (bag 3) for the first four days too, and of course I had fluids coming in (bag 4) such as saline and liquid paracetamol. Afer the anaesthetic and morphine I was also very very sick, so they added a nasal drain (bag 5). I hated that most of all.

The pain was not too bad - it was overall feeling completely exhausted, unable to do anything and not thinking clearly. Day two I was moved into a ward with five beds and my little DAB radio with headphones meant I could sleep. That was apart from the fact that at 10pm, 2am, 5am we were woken for obs and meds.


Day two I managed to get out of bed and into the chair for a couple of hours, but 'enhanced recovery programme' meant I was supposed to be out of bed and up and moving a lot more. On the Wednesday I got up, and fainted. I was rolled back into bed by the nursing staff and didn't make my move quota. On the Thursday morning I was still wobbly, but by Thursday afternoon I could get in and out of bed and managed a few more steps. 10 metres was an achievement! The PT team were great, encouraging but not pushing me beyond what I could do.

I was visited by my consultant on the Thursday who asked why I hadn't gone home yet - I think he was being funny! I still had quite a few bags attached, though the nose drain had thankfully gone by then. 

I was kept in the full seven days - with the wound drain only being removed on the Monday morning (and that was a very weird feeling as they removed a long plastic tube from my insides). Monday afternoon and I could go home. No visitors, only a couple of short calls, so seeing Sheena was amazing. The drive home was exhausting, and since being home (nearly a week now) I've done virtually nothing, but sleeping in my own bed and being down to just the one bag is wonderful.

I have a long way to go before I will be fully recovered, and with any luck they can reverse the ileostomy in six to twelve months, but in the meantime I will be taking care so that I can get back to as normal a life as possible, as quickly and safely as possible.

Thank you:

  • Neil, for the visit that boosted me before the operation
    The best nurse in the world! She has to inject me 
    every evening with blood thinners

  • Mr Morgan, for being a very talented surgeon and doing such major surgery laparascopically 
  • The theatre staff, it must have been a long day!
  • All the nurses and HCAs on Lavenham Ward at Ipswich Hospital
  • The Physical Therapy Team
  • The stoma nurses at the hospital and the outreach team who visit me at home
  • Sheena, and my family, for being there and giving me the strength through their love
  • My wonderful colleagues at EAAA, for supporting me and being the awesome team that they are.
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Wednesday, October 21, 2020

X marks the spot

A bee. Nature is amazing. 
Although the surgery I will have next Monday is to be laparoscopic (keyhole), it's still a big operation - an anterior resection. One of the things that will happen is I will have a bit of my bowel brought out so that my natural digestive processes will bypass my damaged lower bowel, allowing time to heal.

I met the stoma nurse this week and she explained a lot, which certainly eased some of my concerns about this part of the procedure. She came armed with sample bags, leaflets and a black sharpie. On my belly I now have two crosses in circles, a bit like the Extinction Rebellion logo. But they are there to mark where, according to what happens during my operation, I will have my stoma.   

If, when I wake up, the cross on the right has been used, it would be access from my small intestine, meaning it's a temporary ileostomy and I will only have it for six months or so. If I wake up and the left hand cross has been used to access my larger intestine, it will mean a colostomy, which is permanent.

Either way, it will mean that my cancer has been removed from my lower bowel, which has to be good. I have been told that after the operation I should not to eat sweetcorn, and avoid gassy drinks; I guess that's so I don't shoot someone by accident or float away on an inflated bag.

It's only a few days now before surgery, and yes - I'm nervous. I won't be able to blog for a while, but my partner will be keeping friends updated.

Thank you for your support, and remember, if you have any symptoms that you are unsure of, don't hesitate - visit your GP. You are not wasting their time, and you could be saving your life.

Useful links

Bowel Cancer UK

Cancer signs and symptoms (NHS)

Photo: (C) Carolyn Sheppard



Tuesday, October 13, 2020

The cure

It's going to be a busy couple of weeks. Thursday I will have my pre-operative appointment and a CT scan. The following Friday I will have my Covid test, and then on Monday October 29th I will be admitted to hospital for surgery. Big surgery.

I have a few things to sort out - such as work - but that's not a worry. I have a great employer, a great team, and have cover planned for what will probably be a two month absence. That takes me up to Christmas.  The weeks of radiotherapy didn't evict Gertrude the tumour, but it did stop it spreading and shrink it. 

This has surely been the strangest year for so many. I have had friends who have lost loved ones from cancer and Covid, I have friends who have Long Covid whose lives have changed, probably forever. And if it wasn't for Covid, I would have had this operation back in March and it would all be 'history'.

Playing 'what if' is a waste of time, though, so even looking forward I am not worrying about the risks, side effects, potential changes to my life. Worrying about them now makes absolutely no difference to any outcomes, so why stress myself? I am a little preoccupied though, I have to admit.

The operation to remove the tumour in my sigmoid colon is going to take about 7 hours. I will be in hospital for aaround a week (no visitors) and will have to have a stoma bag for several months. Pretty daunting stuff. But the outcome will be 'cured'. 

Bowel cancer is curable, if caught early enough. My cancer is curable, I am not going to die. Result! So all good. And for no other reason than it's a great song, and the band is The Cure, here's It's Friday, I'm in Love (and I am, on every day of the week).

Wednesday, October 07, 2020

Testing times

Saturday I had a Covid test. It's standard at the hospital, pre-procedure. I went to the 'drive through' and the staff, dressed in PPE from top to bottom (and changing between each test) swabbed me through the car window. If you've not had a test, basically it's a really long cotton bud that they rub on the back of your throat till you gag, and up your nose till your eyes water. 

Mine must have been negative as I wasn't told not to attend my procedure on the Tuesday. But I felt rough - before you have any kind of 'oscopy in the colon, they have to 'empty' you - and it's not fun. In fact I was 'emptying' through the night, so by Tuesday morning I was pretty shattered, as well as being hungry having not eaten since lunchtime Monday.

This repeat sigmoidoscopy was so that the consultant who will perform my operation could go in and get a proper look. As well as seeing Gertrude the tumour in full colour, we saw a polyp, a small ulcer and some redness which turned out to be diverticulitis. Oh, and there's hemorrhoids too. What a journey that little camera went on!

I felt absolute rubbish on Tuesday - my belly hurt, my backside hurt, and I was exhausted. But that's one more stage in the process complete. After the procedure the best bit is the cup of tea and biscuits! And they hook you up to an oxymeter and measure your blood pressure. I looked at the oxymeter - 95%. I did my breathing exercises (cancer hates oxygen) and got it up to 100% in seconds. Thanks to Jen Tiller my breathing coach.

Next it's a consultation with the surgeon on Friday. From there I'll know roughly when I have surgery, hopefully. These are testing times for us all. I'm just hoping that I can get my surgery in before we end up in the same situation that we had back in March - with the ITU beds full of Covid patients. If we get another bad spike, then there's no way they'll operate on me (or others) and take the risk of having a cancer patient in an ITU where there are Covid patients.

So - fingers crossed for a good consultation on Friday and a speedy admission. The sooner I can get Gertrude forcibly evicted (she ignored the radiotherapy, though it did shrink her), the better.

Onwards!

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Photo credit: Ottowa Times

Monday, September 28, 2020

Lil' Boomer

Back in July, during lockdown,  Sheena's business premeses were left unattended for some time and became a bit overgrown. Waggytails Dog Training Centre is in the hamlet of Weston, and is adjacent to farmland. The car park is next to a huge maize field, and the astroturf and grass areas are separated from the car park by a hedge made of dead lelandii and other miscellaneous growth such as elder and nettles. Further in, behind the grass and next to the astroturf, is a large sandy area full of weeds. If you are a partridge, this is lovely foraging ground. The astroturf was full of little mossy weeds too and the grass was so long you'd lose your dog in it.

We worked hard mowing, clearing, cutting, brushing, sweeping, painting ... all those things that were needed for when the Centre could open again. The hall was tidied, social distancing for dog training implemented and barriers bought and the whole place given a deep clean (and a new kitchen).

One afternoon we were sitting having a rest in the astroturf area, in the shade near the hedge. Peep peep. We looked down to see a baby partridge pottering about. I put him back in the hedge where, hopefully, his mother was hiding. A few minutes later, peep peep. He was back. I put him back in the hedge the other side, deep in the undergrowth behind one of the outbuildings. I went back to painting.

Peep peep. He came back. No sign of mother. Peep peep. He was looking a bit tired. I picked him up, warmed him, and put him back in the hedge. Didn't see him for a bit until - peep peep. He was sitting on my foot.

By the end of the day it was clear mother had scarpered and this little chap was our responsibility. I took him into the sandy area and helped him find some tasty bugs (tapping the ground with my finger, he followed and snapped up the little protein packets). 

That evening we took him home and put him in a box - after learning that he mustn't get wet (which he did after diving into his water bowl) and having to warm him up in my hands, we left him overnight fully expecting him to have passed away. 

The following morning I went to check. Peep peeeeep. He was still with us, just, so I fed him some water on my fingertip and took him back to Waggytails. He was soon pottering about the sandy area, gobbling up the bugs and - in a humungous effort for such a little chap - ate a whole caterpillar! This was perfect timing, his stomach would be full as I popped him back into his box and took him to a rehoming expert.

Last we heard he was gobbling up waxworms and mealworms and snuggling under the breast of a broody hen. I hope he/she made it. A little fighter who had a tough start.

PS we called him 'Boomer' - because he kept coming back like a little boomerang.

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Photos (C) Sheena Stebbing

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Gertrude remains

On 26th August I had my post-radiotherapy MRI scan. The scan looked good - as far as they could see. But they couldn't see far enough, so I needed a sigmoidoscopy. This is a bit like a colonoscopy, but doesn't go as far along the gut, only into the sigmoid colon. I was optimistic that radiotherapy had eliminated the cancer (known as Gertrude). 

I had my 'oscopy on Sunday 20th September. The day before was 'purge day' and not a lot of fun, but not nearly as exhausting as the prep for the colonoscopy. My scan was at 1pm on a Sunday - love those hard working NHS staff working shifts to offer as many clinics as they can. 

I met my 'oscopist and we elbow bumped. I was in my fetching paper pants with the hole in the bum and hospital gown and a mask of course. I think you have to abandon any thought of sartorial elegance at such occasions.

I felt, then watched, the camera begin its exploration of my insides and discovered that I also have a polyp, a small ulcer and, unfortunately, the tumour as well. Although it is smaller (no doubt zapped by five weeks of radiotherapy), it has not completely gone. Gertrude is holding on! On the visual display as well as seeing the view from the camera, there is also a little graphic of the endoscope and where it is, and it looks like a small wiggling worm. Or like a hair caught in the film in old cinema projections.

So its back to stage one, really, surgery. When I was first diagnosed, surgery was the preferred option, but Covid hit and as there is a risk (albeit small) of needing to be in ITU with abdominal surgery of this kind, it was decided that I would undertake radiotherapy instead. Having a leaky bowel in ITU when the unit is full of Covid patients was not a risk to be taken.

So here I am, more than six months later, and we are back to square one. But with a much smaller tumour, thankfully. Bowel cancer is an odd one and it can grow, go slow, grow... so the zapping may not have eliminated it, but certainly reduced it and stopped it from growing (or spreading).

Sadly, just as Covid is spiking again. I'm hopeful that at the Multidisciplinary Team Meeting this Friday they will come to a conclusion and get me a surgery date as asoon as possible, but I won't know for a while. I'm also hoping that sense will prevail and despite the stresses that lockdown measures put on us all, the UK's population will listen to the government's advice and help stop the spread of this nasty virus.

Stay safe, stay well, and keep smiling (under your mask).

Photo (C) Brittannia.com

Other posts in this series:

And on a more cheerful note:

Reminder:

If you have any symptoms that you are concerned about, even just a little, please visit your GP. Early diagnosis is life-saving.

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Friday, September 18, 2020

Working with goats was a new one for me

That title isn't mine - it's a headline, and it was one of a selection of headlines given to the writers' circle as our September activity prompt. We were given 40 minutes to write - and I started with not a clue what I was going to write, only the headline. And I started and this is what happened. I think you can tell that I was running out of time as the focus of the story is on character build, and there are several gaping holes in story development (such as the wife, and farm life in more detail), but I enjoyed writing it. I may get around to editing and doing a re-write, but for now here we go:  


So on Facebook there’s this image of a kookaburra, and the caption is ‘bird or goat?’. Well I can only see the bird, so either I’m missing something, or someone is having a laugh and I don’t get it. You see, I thought if it was a goat picture, I might have noticed. After all – well, hang on. I’m getting ahead of myself. You see, I think I  need to explain about me and goats.

So just imagine some wavy lines around the frame, the picture fogging and some mirror chimes to simulate a flashback, eh?

I’m 16. I’m tall for my age (six foot three), actually I’m tall for any age. But put it like this, I don’t get picked on at school ‘cos I could simply just tread on them. Oh yeah, I’m heavy too. But not fat heavy, even as a teen, it was muscle heavy. Not that I worked out at a gym or anything, but I lived on a farm. And hefting around great bales of straw, shovelling manure and other delightful manual jobs did tend to hone the frame, even of a bendy youngster.

So picture this – I’m at school, in my black and red uniform (I know, awful huh?), and I’m sitting in the maths class looking out the window. The teacher is muttering something that I don’t understand, and my best pal Jimmy is writing secret messages to the girl he is convinced he is in lust with. Its spring, and there are green leaves on the willows, and the birds are getting noisy with excitement. I’d rather be out there than listening to…

Whap! Maths Master Maitland wasn’t against a bit of physical intervention to ensure attention, and the board rubber (a sort of wood and felt brick) slammed into my desk sending a cloud of white dust into my face. “SMITH! What did I just say?” Well I hadn’t a bloody clue, so I muttered a “Sorry sir” and he repeated his diatribe that had something to do with logs. I knew about logs – got a huge wood yard at home – but then he spoiled it all by mentioning sines and their cousins, so I switched off again (but kept looking at him so he at least thought I was listening).

At the end of the class Jimmy went off with that girl, don’t even know her name (actually I don’t think I know the names of any of the girls in our class), so at break time I left him to it. I reckon they were off looking for somewhere private to snog.

If this were a TV show we’d flip back to ‘now’, with the music and wobbly picture and all, and you’d see Jimmy now, a grey haired man even though he’s only in his 40s, with the blonde (bottle blonde these days) and four kids in tow. I guess it could be a happy picture, but I don’t know, you’d have to ask him. But this is not TV, so back to school days.

I went to the bike sheds  hoping that Jimmy wasn’t there. Nope – but the usual gang and the gritty grass where a couple of the other lads, and one girl, sat smoking. They jumped when I first appeared – I guess being tall they thought I might be a teacher. Marky, a snide little spot-faced rat of a boy in the year below me, sneered. But he did offer me a fag. I took it with disdain, no thanks. I think perhaps he was a little scared of me, that’s why he made out he was so hard. I sat down a bit apart from them, and the girl turned to look at me. “Are you Smith?” I nodded. “I’ve heard of you.” Well I should think so – we’d been in the same school for four years. Maybe I was supposed to answer something that showed I knew who she was, but I didn’t, so I stayed silent. The strong, silent type image was working for me. Got me free fags, after all.

Next class was Social Studies, so after grinding out the fag end on the edge of the grass, and nodding briefly to the kids, I headed for the school gates. No one would notice, and it was the last class of the day.

Picture this, tall iron railings around a low brick and concrete school with grey tarmac scarred with faded paint that pretended to mark out games courts. A large iron gate, with the school name in ironwork, and out onto a quiet street in the outskirts of a town that was boasting by calling itself such. It was an overgrown village really, but we had a cop shop, so I guess that made it important enough. It needed it too – there were some right scallys in our area.

So maybe you have a picture of me, and maybe it’s right, maybe it isn’t. Maybe there seem to be some things that don’t quite feel right, like how I talk, how I think. Well, maybe I pissed away my time at school, but I did get to Uni and that sharpened up some of those farm lad edges into something that was so mixed up my dad used to call me Poshy. But you know, those school days were important, because having to go to school every day (even if I didn’t stay there all day) is what made me who I am. Yeah, the farm played a big part of course, but at school I learned things like, well, being tall was important. Being strong was important. Being distant actually got you more attention from the girls than chasing them like Jimmy and rat-boy did.

So I’ve left the school by the gates, and I’m heading down the lane towards the bus stop. The bus goes past the farm gate, so I’m lucky – it’s easy to get to and from school. But I don’t want to appear at home too early, so I get the bus and get off half-way home. It’s just outside the town, and before the countryside really takes over, so there’s houses every so often, and lots more ground. I get off the bus and look around, right next to the stop in a huge garden with a  brown picket fence is a goat. It’s a huge goat! Long floppy ears, and it has weird eyes. They look like an octopuses, I think. I only know that as we did octopuses (or is it octopi?) in science last week. They’re a bit scary. But I’m a big lad, so I look it in the eye and say “Hello goat.” And, of course, it says hello back. Like no shit, the goat said “Hello”. The bus had gone so I couldn’t retreat that way. And though it made me jump, I didn’t really want to run away. I’d never had a conversation with a goat before, and I didn’t have much else to do until I was expected home.

The goat continued looking at me, so I figured it was expecting me to say something next.


“What you doing?” I swear the goat made a huffing noise before replying with

“Eating bloody grass, what do you think a goat would be doing in a field?”

Touch goat it seemed! “You could have been thinking,” I said “about something really important, maybe.” This mollified the animal and, if a goat could smile I think it would have, it tossed its head and flapped its big ears. “I was, actually, I was thinking how come you are not at school, but then again I was also thinking you are way too big for a child. So – what are you?”

“I’m a kid,” I replied, and realised that may not have been the best choice of words when the goat replied

“Nope. You’re human, I know plenty of them, and you’re a big one.”  At this point I was watching the goat’s mouth really closely because, like, they don’t have vocal boxes, or lips, to make words like us humans. And, of course, as that’s what was on my mind, that’s what I said. “How come you can talk?”

“I can’t talk,” said the goat, “but I can make you hear what I am saying.” Well that had me flummoxed, but as I didn’t want to get too technical, I just shrugged and said OK. I leaned my back against the fence to wait for the next bus, and the goat put his head over the fence and says “You could go far, you know. Especially with goats. Thought about working with goats?” Well, I hadn’t. I lived on an arable farm, and I told him so. This actually seemed to please the goat, and he asked me all about our crops, the farm and the family. We were just getting really chatty when the bus arrived. I headed for the bus and the goat said “Think about it” but I didn’t reply, didn’t want to look bonkers saying ‘bye to a goat.

Wavy lines time again – and here we are, back with me as a fully grown man (stayed at six foot three, but put on a bit more weight I admit).

I’m on the family farm; dad still calls me Poshy, and drives the tractor even though he can barely see. I do all the heavy work, but we expanded when dad brought me in to the business and put my name with his and mum’s on the tenancy. Now, as well as farming arable, we have a specialist goat’s milk and cheese production unit. They say my goat’s cheese is the best in the country and we’ve won all sorts of foody awards. I usually send mum and dad to all the county fairs in the summer – keeps them out of my hair and gets us new customers for the cheese.

My wife, who is not even from this town, loves the farm. She’s suspicious of the goats though. People ask me what the secret is to our amazing cheese. Well, between you and me its because I ask the goat’s nicely. I treat them well, I chat with them, I ask them what they want and they tell me. They understand that I need the milk, and in return they get a nice life. It works. I don’t think I’d have thought of goats at all if it hadn’t been for that afternoon skive.

The photo is the 'bird or goat' I started with - and I could only see the bird until I did a web search and found a version with the 'goat' outlined. I have no idea where it comes from to credit, so apologies to the original owner of the photo. And the goat - I just liked this Nubian goat from Pinterest, so once again I can't credit the photographer. Cute though, eh!

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Troublesome angels

Wednesday, September 09, 2020

Pond life

 In May 2020 it was lockdown - the sun was shining, I was on furlough, Sheena couldn't run her classes, and we had that most precious gift, time! OK, I was undergoing cancer treatment, but from May to July we had time to focus on our garden.

Our lawn was huge - a big expanse of grass with nothing to break it up. Would be great if we had lots of kids with footballs, but we don't. We thought about a border, and decided on a figure of 8 shape. Then we decided that one half of the 8 should be a pond. So at the beginning of May, we started out pond.


Once we had marked it out and marked our border and the pond area, we hired a digger. The result - after a lot of hard work - is our beautiful pond and accompanying border (full of home grown cosmos). We're delighted with the pond and spend our mornings eating breakfast on the bench, even when it's a bit chilly. Apart from it looking lovely, it is fascinating.

Apart from plants we bought from a garden centre, we were also given some grassy reed and 15 snails from a friend's pond. This grassy introduction proved extremely productive!

Although we wanted a wildlife pond, we put our three tank goldfish in the pond too - they deserved it! After just a few weeks the goldfish started to grow, and they are roughly double the size they were when we first introduced them. Not only that, we have two baby goldfish too!

Even with the fish, the pond attracts wildlife. The reed must have introduced some of the life in the pond, but we have:

  • water boatmen - I love watching them but I've yet to hear them 'sing'
  • pond skaters - they confused us! We had one and it died quite quickly, but within a week there were 20 mini skaters. And we've had several generations since
  • great diving beetle - I was delighted to see this as I remember taking my son on a primary school trip to Fowlmere and them being so excited about finding one
  • whirlygig beetles - these little guys zoom around the pond like little manic jewels
  • dragonfiles - usually southern hawker, but also common darters, brown hawker and I'm sure I saw a golden ringed once! They are a delight, swooping over the pond and eating the gnats. We also have larvae in the pond too
  • pond snails - brought to us from another pond, and they've settled in and had babies too
  • toads - some large, some small! Frogs as well.


For a pond we only started in May, we're pretty pleased! Sitting by the pond is a great time waster - but it's a lovely way to relax and watch nature up close, in our own garden.

Sometimes you have to get a bit too close - for example when Sheena has to get the pond pump out so we can clean the filter. This does give you an idea of how deep the pond is, though. 

I will attempt to take some photos of the wildlife, but as soon as you get a camera out it's as if they know and do a rapid disappearing act! 

The pond also brings in other wildlife - for the first time ever in the forest we have had a hedgehog in the garden; I know we have a lizard living under the summer house, and with any luck we'll have newts as well in due course. There is a 'bog garden' at the edge of the pond which will no doubt harbour other life, and should be good for when the larva of the dragonflies hatch in the spring. The pond in winter is a delight yet to come.

Spending time by the pond is my favourite mindfulness passtime at the moment. There are things we could have done better in building the pond, but we're both pretty pleased with the way it looks, and most of all the wonderful wildlife that have chosen to make it home.

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Wednesday, July 22, 2020

The Writers' Circle

Our writers' circle meetings are now virtual or socially distanced. This month's excercise was to write a piece based on a horoscope - I chose this one, and seemed to have got carried away with using the dash:


Strong cosmic forces could sweep you off your feet this week. Whether that feels euphoric or dangerous or even both, you need to find a way to steady yourself. Meeting what happens in a grounded way means that you retain your earthy practicality. Even if your spirit wants to fly.

The wind was so strong! Who knew how much damage could happen in such a short time – and with nothing more than dust. I daren’t go out to change the sun filter – I’d end up sliced and diced in no time. But the views! Looking out of the 10cm thick viewing port, the swirling of the red dust was just spectacular – the landscape changing every moment. I wanted to be in it – to feel the wind pushing and tugging – but it would be suicide. These suits – good, but not that good. And as for my weight – on this planet? Oh boy, not only would I be torn to shreds, but I’d be up and away like a child’s lost kite.

But it was beautiful. It was tempting. It was gorgeously dangerous! I heard a grunt from behind me and my colleague muttered something inaudible and irritating. If only he could see what I see when I watch the winds, the dust, the amazing red murmurations that pattern this strange sky. But he just wants to do the next experiment, analyse the next bit of dirt, and test for this, that and the other.

Oh I know I have work to do, but I can’t pull away from the viewing port – not with this spectacular show outside. Deadly, delightful. The view now so clouded with dust that I can almost see the very particles as they spin at the mercy of this unimaginable force of wind. And then a window through the dense redness – the comms station – destroyed. It was designed to withstand anything this planet could throw at it – but nothing prepared us for the wind. I turned briefly to tell my colleague, but he was at the com desk – I guess he knew by now that the com wasn’t working, but he probably didn’t know why like I did.

It’s mesmerising. Even as it’s destroying our most important resources, I can’t tear my eyes away from it. And the weird thing is there is no noise. This supposedly indestructible bubble that keeps us alive shuts out the sound. But I can still see – and imagine the shredding noise as the skin of our home is slowly ripped and torn and turned into more shards so that it can fly like the red dust.
I think carefully whilst watching. This is probably critical for us, probably the last straw. There have been so many problems, so many challenges, but this unexpected wind storm and it’s destructive force – well, it’s likely to be the end of our occupation here in a reasonably short time. I feel distanced from the emotions I know I should be feeling. The view is too compelling. The storm has moved and I can now see the clouds of dust dancing in the sky further from us – and it’s taunting, hesitating as it moves around the landscape and hints, merely hints, that it will come back and finish us off.

A tap on my shoulder, but I can’t turn, I just answer with a vague noise of enquiry. But I know we have to do something. I tear myself away from the view port and see his anxious face. I tell him about the Comm tower. I turn back to the view port briefly – the clouds and dust and wind are disappearing from view. We need to plan. It’s a very long way home.

Mars photo courtesey of phys.org

Links:

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Monday, June 22, 2020

Stage one complete

On Friday I had my last planned radiotherapy treatment at Ipswich Hospital. I've been crossing each day off on the calendar, and it's amazing how quickly five weeks has gone. Lockdown has an odd way of skewing perspective and time, but the good thing is that I am done.

Done with having to travel an hour each way to the hospital every weekday. Done with laying on the machine and having my insides melted. Done with weekly blood tests and, thankfully, done with daily chemotherapy tablets. That should mean in a couple of weeks, as the side effects peak and begin to diminish, I should be done with the nausea and tiredness.

I have been given some exercises to do (that will be familiar to anyone who has had a baby) and also some other instructions regarding stopping my insides sticking together. I am by no means out of the woods, but as to how effective the radiotherapy has been, I will be scanned again in three months.

Three months seems like a long time to wait and see if Gertrude has been eliminated or at least shrunk, but given everything my insides have been through, they need the three months to recover and feel a bit more normal. There will have been damage to organs other than the targeted cancer which is inevitable.

But the last day - going in for the last time and seeing my chatty blood nurse, the helpful and always kind and pleasant therapeutic radiographers, and also bumping into Jan from the Wolverstone ward that we got to know when Sheena was having her chemo. 

When I'd had my final chat with the support nurse, had my final treatment and blood test, I was ready to call Sheena - she was allowed in for the final visit. With Sheena, Jan, and several of the staff with me, I rang the bell! It's a significant thing, and marks the end of my radiotherapy treatment. 

What next? A telephone appointment on 7 July with my oncologist to discuss what happens next. I would think that not much can be decided until after my scan in 12 weeks' time, but until then, I'm seeing this as an opportunity to get fit and be prepared for surgery. The healthier I am, the better the outcome.

Thank you Sheena for supporting me so amazingly. Thank you to our friends who have shown such support and encouragement, and thank you to the amazing staff at Ipswich hospital.

A quick reminder - despite covid and the restrictions in place, if you have anything unusual going on, such as blood in your poop, and unusual consistent pain, a lump or something that worries you, please do see your GP. Early diagnosis improves your outcomes if it should be something nasty, and if it's nothing to worry about, then even better. 

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Useful links

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

Grandparents

When I was a child, my mother would get me to write to my grandparents, specifically 'Granny and Charles' (both my grandparent's on her side had divorced, hence Charles wasn't grandpa). I remember that my mother admonished me with 'You haven't written to Granny and Charles recently', and my youthful reply was, "well, they never write to me." Kid logic.

The days of writing to grandparents have disappeared, and technology has overtaken the pen and paper even to the extent of replacing thank you cards with texts or video calls, but the thing about grandparents is that you don't need a guilt trip to want to contact them.

Grandparents have the priveledge of having raised the parent of their grandchild and been through all the angst and worry that brings, and then observing that same angst transferred to their child that is now a parent. They have the opportunity to do all the things that their parents did with their child - the 'spoiling' if you like (whether that's being allowed sweets or allowed to get dirty, or buying expensive toys and games). Being a grandparent is a bit of a 'free' card - because you won't experience the consequence (back home) of the indulgence.

But grandparents aren't just for treating the grandkids, they are an opportunity to provide an example, to be that learned adult that isn't mum or dad (or step mum/dad) and who may actually be listened to - if the advice is given in the context of fun. Why can't parents do this? Oh they can, but kids are naturally resistant to parentgal instruction it appears.

But grandparents also have the opportunity to be eccentric, and in being so - unlike parents who embarass their kids - they are a novelty.

Sally, my mother
I've mentioned Granny and Charles, the converse is Grandpa and Peeps. I had four grandparents, but all on my mother's side (my father's parents died a when he was young). For a while grandpa lived with us, but then my mother (fed up with an elderly relative around the house, but I do have some lovely stories about him at home) said why not go and live with his ex-wife, who was also on her own. And in their declining years, they lived together again - two old folk rubbing along.

Peeps (her name was Primrose) was an unusual grandmother. She had a lot of insight that was almost spooky. She was a published author (weird ideas about Egyptian gods, Christianity and spacemen), and outliving grandpa, was still running her own cult religion at the age of 91.

She wasn't the greatest stepmother by all accounts, but I think she did her best having had no children herself. My mother was an only child, and when I asked her about her memories of VE day (she spent the war safely in South Africa with her aunt), she spoke about how difficult it was when she came home and her parents arguing over which house she should go to. Sad really.

River, my grandson
As a grandmother, my mother has come into her own in more recent years - when I first had kids she was in Mallorca most of the time with her new partner (Orlando), so wasn't the sort of granny you'd drop the kids round to. But visiting Mallorca to see her and Orlando wasn't exactly a hardship! So she was more of a grandparent in absentia, but she adores being a great-grandmother now and (lockdown notwithstanding) wants to see the kids and the grandchild as much as she can. Orlando died in 2000, when my kids were 9 and 7, but he did his bit as a grandad, playing football with Alex and telling Mel how beautiful she was.

My grandpa was a birdwatcher and an RAF pilot, and there's a whole blog post devoted to him, but as a grandparent myself I am trying to do my best and be the 'fun granny' to my little grandson. He has four grandparents, plus extras - lucky lad! There is myself, and my partner, and my ex-husband and his partner, and both of his dad's parents.

I hope that he will want to do things with me and my partner Sheena, and given time we have promised (just to scare my daughter really) that we will teach him to ride a motorbike (we have a four quad bike that he will fit when he is about four), and to do lots of crafty things in the forest. We are lucky that Sheena has two grandchildren too, plus some add ons (her son's step kids) and they are old enough to already do fun things with.

My father died when I was just 13 so he never saw my children - my ex-husband's parents both died before the kids were born too, and I know all of them would have loved being grandparents. So I am going to grandparent the best I can, because I know it's a priviledge.

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The birdwatcher in me (thanks grandpa)
The Family Sheppard
What I learned from the Wiggles

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Big machines

If you are going to have radiotherapy, you might be interested in what happens during treatment. Even if you aren't, you may be curious.

I have to lie on the flat bed in the required position (for me, it is legs in a slightly raised position on a rest, feet in a rest, and then head in a rest so my body is flat on the bed). Different treatments need different positions - Sheena had to have her arms over her head so they could access the right area for her cancer, for me they need to access my abdomen.

Side view - the bed is the other side of this 'arm'

I have to drop my undies and trousers and roll up my shirt so from 'hairline' to belly button I am exposed (but there is a paper modesty cover). I bring my hands up on to my chest, elbows tucked in (a bit like Rameses) and then they get my pelvis into position. This involves the lining up of my three tattoos (one on each hip, one on my belly) with the lights on the machine.  Then I am pushed and shoved a little (gently) to get me into the exact position whilst the radiologists check with eachother the position, numbers on the machine (set up when my original scan was done). The radiologists (or radiographers, I am really not sure!) then retire and the two large robot arms come out, doing the initial scan.

End on view
The staff are always helpful, check how I am, and are very concerned that I am comfortable and are friendly. Considering they are all in PPE with face mostly covered, I am learning to recognise them by their eyes (and the names written in felt tip across the top of their shields).

The first scan is just that - no radiation, just a quick look to make sure that the insides are lined up too. Half an hour before treatment I have to have an empty bladder and then drink 250ml of water. This ensures that my bladder is the same size as last treatment, and also helps it 'flop' to one side, out the way of the radiation.

Then it goes quiet as they check the scans to make sure everything is fine. The bed gives a little judder (I assume to move into treatment position) and the big round radiation emittimg blob on the machine circles one way, then the other. The set up takes longer than the treatment, which is only about 20 seconds each way I think. I don't know, time is a different concept when you are on the bed, thinking, waiting, not moving (but breathing), and trying to stay relaxed in the position you have been put in.

For me, so far, it is OK. I am not getting any skin sensitivity yet, and only mild tireness as a side effect. The oral chemotherapy makes me feel a bit sick, but I have sickness tablets too. I am sure things will change as treatment progresses, I have only had 8 out of 25 treatments so far.


Useful links

Radiation Therapy from the National Cancer Institute
How do I check for cancer? From CRUK

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Starting treatment

Yesterday I had my first radiotherapy treatment. It's early days, so it wasn't 'much', but side-effects usually come into play after seven to ten days, so watch this blog for an update on that!

The ceiling light in the radiotherapy
waiting room
I went to the hospital at 10am (after three changed times) to get my chemotherapy presecription talk (this is, after all, a toxic substance), my anti-sickness pills and my anti-poop pills. Oh, and I'm taking Senna - so this could get interesting!

After the meeting with the nurse I needed my bloods done (they will be done every week to monitor my immune system under chemo) and - after the results came back (clear, hooray), I went in for my first zap on the bench.

The radiotherapy machine is like a science fiction robot that is swinging round you, ready to dive in and ... well, it doesn't dive in, it just spins round slowly one way, then the other, gently bathing you in radiation. It makes a humming noise (nothing like CT or MRI), and the ambient music played is almost louder than the machine.

Today's visit was shorter, as most will be except for my weekly blood tests and some consultations in between. I have five weeks of this ahead of me.

The technology at play is amazing. They line the machine up to the three tattoos on my thighs and belly, and then do a 'test run'. They took longer examining the test run images today as my insides were different to yesterday. 'A little gas' said the nurse. And when I slipped off the table after treatment, said gas escaped. Oops.

I feel fine. I feel slightly 'weird' is all I can. It's probably more psychological than physical at this stage. I can still function and am volunteering for a local cancer support charity, and still gardening. I'm building a free standing raised bed tomorrow (the wood arrived today). I sort of feel I have to do the bigger jobs now, as I don't know how I will feel as time goes on. Hopefully I will continue to feel OK and can keep working on the garden - thanks to lockdown it's never looked so good.

Blasts from my past
In a field in Suffolk
Here come the pagans
In a pigeon hole

Useful links
Ipswich and Colchester Hospitals Charity
Cancer Research UK general cancer information