Thursday, April 28, 2016

A letter to Phil

Dear Phil

This seems such a strange way to write to you, but maybe it works for you too.  I dreamed about you last night, but it was a difficult dream, and I was thinking about reporting you missing. Oh my, I'd be a bit late for that, wouldn't I?

I know I haven't seen you since before Alex was born, and he'll be 25 this year. My son is a man, my daughter is a woman. They are still your nephew and niece, of course, even though you've never met. So I am pondering perspective again - a theme that is running through my thoughts so much this week. What perspective might you have on these two young people, who you have never met yet are close to you by blood?

I guess it doesn't matter, because blood is not thicker than water, it's just different. It does mean that forgiveness has more context though, I believe. I want to understand forgiveness, because there are things which anger me. I read once that being angry was like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I'm working on it, and the anger isn't directed at you, but that's another story (and probably a whole book, not a blog post or two). And we should first forgive those we love, or have loved, perhaps.

What's happening now in my life is not what I imagined at all ten or even six years ago. It's five years since the marriage broke up, several jobs along, and a couple of bands too! The things that change are important, but not as important as the things that don't change. You will always be my brother, I will always be your sister.

Our friend Terry passed away last year (yes, good old Kenwood), and we only just found out.  I wonder if I would find out if you died? Maybe that's why I dreamed about you in the context I did last night. It's strange how the mind take all the things in your consciousness and mixes them all up in dreams (well it does for me).  The most odd bit of the dream was the dowager dressed all in black, with toes for fingers. I woke this morning drained, as if I had been drugged. And I wanted to write to you.

I'll try and write more often this year.

Love,
Cx


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