Creative change of direction

For most of my life, being a musician has been a big part of who I am. But as arthritis has robbed me of the ability to just pick up a guitar or any stringed instrument and play; the frustration and loss hurts. If I go to a folk club and sing a couple of unaccompanied songs, it just reminds me again of what I used to do, but now can't.

I can still play the bass as that doesn't require my fingers to curl and make chord shapes (though I play a lot slower now), but my creativity is stymied. I find that watching or playing music brings up a frustration, and a sense of loss. I have a clever electric instrument that mimics a guitar and I spend some time playing it - and then stop when I can't do what I really want, because of my own limitations as well as it's technical functionality.

And the other day I dug through an old hard drive and found songs and music I'd written ages ago that I had forgotten about. And I'm sad again that I can't just play or write or even have the drive to do so now because of the sadness it causes. 

This sounds like a pity party, but it's not - it's about why someone who was so wrapped up in music is not the same today, and what I'm doing instead. I am still a creative person, just not the musician I used to be. I will still play music with my friends, and do my best - but I still know deep down I used to be able to do so much better. 

I am developing my other creative skills and started to make videos for my old songs using AI to help, but still keeping the themes my own. I am also moving my creativity into other areas such as making things out of wood. I'm very amateur, and the effects so far are 'rustic', but I do enjoy working with wood and want to learn  more. Again my arthritis does limit me, but it's easier than playing an instrument.

And I still write, but not as much as I used to either. I write this blog still, but my poetry and stories have fallen by the wayside for now. I'm hoping that when I eventually get to retire I'll be able to do all these things I want to do, but that's more about prioritising my free time, which still seems to be at a premium when I want to do the gardening, do my wood projects, go birdwatching, do more photography, keep working full time (including some pretty long commutes) and, of course, spend time with my wife and relaxing.

This is the first video I made using Clipchamp and AI - I think I got better the more I made:

Beach Busker

You can find more of my songs and videos on my Youtube channel. 

Useful resources:

• Arthritis UK

Liked this? Try...

• One morning at Vauxhall (a recent short story)
• A last gig (blog about playing music)
• Goosemilk and goatfeathers (a 2016 short story)