I originally published a shorter version of this as 'Voyage of Discovery'. I added a bit and shared it on our work intranet as part of Mental Health Awareness Week. Here's the blog again - but read the comments at the end please.
I thought this was going to be hard to write because it's a very personal voyage. But it turned out to be easy:
Let me take you back just a few years to when I was a depressed, unhappy wife to a man I loved but who didn't love me. This poorest version of me was a lost soul at sea who had abandoned her hopes and dreams. I only held on for the kids. I saw myself as a failure, as the reason for his infidelity, as not being worth anything, not deserving. There is low and there is suicidal, and between these two is where I placed my self-esteem.
Can you picture it? A sad, middle aged woman with haunted eyes. Even so, there was some part of me that was still strong, still struggled to be my normal self despite the voice in my head that said "You failed. You aren't worth it. It's your fault." (My mantra was "old, fat and ugly".) This voice, that we maybe all have, was a voice bequeathed me by my parents, peers friends and my husband. Yes, this destructive self-talk was prompted by those around me.
So jump to now – see me strong, confident, knowing it's OK to not be OK, knowing that I may have failed sometimes but I am not a failure. You see the voice in your head is just a script, handed down page by page throughout your life. It can't be unwritten or even edited, but it can be recognised for what it is – not the enemy, not something to be cured or fixed or forgotten, but understood and put in context. No matter what the script says, it is just a voice – a thought. It is not your true identity, just a role you play. You are not the sum of the things that have happened to you or what people say about you. That's your 'script', it is not your true identity.
I've been on lots of self-development courses, but none of them helped me much. They showed me more faults, more things I should be doing, more reasons why I was not succeeding at life. So I did something that did change my life.
My voyage was painful one, but I was not alone. I spent five days with people who understood my state, sympathised and empathised, and who had turmoil of their own; feeling suicidal, been abused, struggled with drug addiction, feelings of worthlessness, physical and mental abuse... and yet we all shared equally. Our voyage together turned us from eight random strangers into a strong crew who believe the best of each other. That is a rare and precious thing. Each of us told our intimate stories and – we realised - that these shaped how we saw ourselves. We were always surprised that each of us carried such distorted identities in our heads. Seven friendly voices reflected back the truth they saw, shouted down the script and helped us to find and be our true selves. To love ourselves again.
There's so much more I could explain, but for now I'll just say that after years and years of self-dislike I am very happy in my own skin. I also feel happier than I have ever been (even with all that has been happening to my amazing partner).
It's never too late to be good to yourself. You do deserve it. You are worth it. I know I am.
I am happy to share my epxeriences in more detail if it may help someone. Ignore the negative voice in your head, you are amazing - you work here after all!
Here are the comments I got from my colleagues, after posting this - it shows the power of sharing.
Colleague 1: I love this Carolyn. Thank you so much for sharing.
2: Amazing, Carolyn. Thank you for sharing this
3: This is so incredible, Carolyn. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and giving hope and inspiration to those who may also feel they are on their own. Xx
4: You are a lovely and very brave woman, thank you for sharing your journey
My boss; You are a very brave and kind woman Carolyn. And Kindness is a true strength, a true asset and an absolute must in managing people. Keep being you, love from me. x
CEO: I got a lump in my throat reading this or should I say hearing this - your voice came through loud and clear in telling your story. Thank you.
