I wrote this as a competition entry. The theme was 'voyage of discovery' and we had a limited word count.
I thought this was going to be hard to write because it’s a
very personal voyage. But it turned out to be easy:
Let me take you back just a few years to when I was a
depressed, unhappy wife to a man I loved but who didn’t love me. This poorest
version of me was a lost soul at sea who had abandoned her hopes and dreams. I only
held on for the kids. I saw myself as a
failure, as the reason for his infidelity, as not being worth anything, not deserving.
There is low and there is suicidal, and between these two is where I placed my
self-esteem.
Can you picture it? A sad, middle aged woman with haunted
eyes. Even so, there was some part of me
that was still strong, still struggled to be my normal self despite the voice
in my head that said “You failed. You aren’t worth it. It’s your fault.” (My mantra was “old, fat and ugly”.) This
voice, that we maybe all have, was a voice bequeathed me by my parents, peers
friends and my husband. Yes, this destructive self-talk was prompted by those
around me.
So jump to now – see me strong, confident, knowing it’s OK
to not be OK, knowing that I may have failed sometimes but I am not a failure. You see the voice in your head
is just a script, handed down page by page throughout your life. It can’t be
unwritten or even edited, but it can be recognised for what it is – not the
enemy, not something to be cured or fixed or forgotten, but understood and put
in context. No matter what the script
says, it is just a voice – a thought. It is not your true identity, just a role
you play.
My voyage was painful one, but I was not alone. I spent five
days with people who understood my state, and who had turmoil of their own;
feeling suicidal, been raped, struggled with drug addiction, abuse... and yet we all shared equally. Our voyage together turned us from eight
random strangers into a strong crew who believe the best of each other. That is
a rare and precious thing. Each of us
told our intimate stories and – we realised - that these shaped how we saw
ourselves. We were always surprised that each of us carried such distorted
identities in our heads. Seven friendly
voices reflected back the truth they saw, shouted down the script and helped us
to find and be our true selves. To love ourselves again.
There’s so much more I could explain, but for now I’ll just
say that after years and years of self-dislike I am very happy in my own skin.
I also feel happier than I have ever been. It’s never too late to be good to yourself. You do deserve it. You are worth it. I know I
am.
With thanks to Richard Wilkins and Liz Ivory.
Links
Ministry of Inspiration
Royston Arts Festival
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